My People - part #1

Cami - there is so much to say about her - and sometimes I struggle to find the right words - because she is SO much awesome! 

She is...talented and smart and funny and kind and gracious and forgiving...

She has been through a lot in her life so far - more in 12 1/2years than most people in an entire lifetime. The most amazing thing about this - is that she an amazingly typical 13 year old. Not remarkable - until you consider that most kids with her trauma aren't. 

She has been a huge help over the past 6 months with the transitioning of Julie into the family. So - I thought it was about time for her to have a break, so she and I headed to Kansas to see her newest niece. 

She loves her some baby!! 

But she really loves her some toddler - who thinks she is the bomb! Matter of fact - when Ashlee calls to talk to us, Melidee is really only interested in talking to Cami! 

Cami definitely has a heart for her nieces 

We also did a trip to Chinatown recently in preparation for Chinese New Year. While Cami acknowledges her Chinese Heritage, at this point in her life, she is more interested in being a typical American teenager - and that's ok. 

 Cami is also my adventure girl - whose motto in life is "bigger,faster,higher" - and she proved it a few weeks ago with a trip to Knotts Berry Farm. her older brother took her - because her mom & dad's motto is "low and slow"! She road the big coasters more than a few times! 

She even approaches school with the same motto! When she started this year, she was perhaps reading on a 2nd grade level - and she didn't like it. She was a child who needed a lot of connect with her teachers - and I wasn't sure it would be a good fit with her new 5th grade teacher who was all business and a little distant. Cami took on the new challenges presented with an conquering attitude - and this is what I found on my desk a few weeks ago. The book - it was a 5th grade chapter book! Bigger, faster, higher!!!

She is a loyal sister. Julie's arrival has changed up the dynamic of our kids, and she and Katie have struggled. Cami has come alongside Katie in an amazing way through the struggle. It's a classic case of "I can bug my sister - but everybody else better leave her alone!" 

She is also a very loyal friend. Every year, we participate in a Chinese New Year celebration with other families who have adopted children from China. Often - those kids have bio siblings who come. This year, Cami asked to bring her best friend Samantha because "she is just like a sister to me". 

Her friends - at almost 13 and a 5th grader, they have taken the developmentally appropriate place in her life. The are more than important - they are VERY important. This year, we decided to surprise her for her birthday (which is in May) with a concert to see her favorite singer, Jamie Grace. We hired a limo that picked up all the girls first, then they came and surprised her! 

 The level of excitement (and noise!!!) in that car was out of control and off the charts! This group of girls just go together like peanut butter and jelly. 

 They are just too cool for themselves! 

 We were amazingly blessed to be able to have a personal "meet and greet" with Jamie Grace! The girls we a little over come - and I am not sure they even knew what to do with themselves! Jamie was SUPER nice and inviting and personable.

The concert was awesome and amazing! We saw the Rock N Worship show with so many great artists and the whole night was steeped in worship and the Word. 

However - a few of the girls didn't make it through the final act! 

Several more didn't make the car ride home!  

 Cami has come so far in three years. From the scared little girl who got off the plane to the paparazzi to a confident, well adjusted typical pre-teen, we have seen God MOVE through this girl and pretty much everyone she touches. 

Mostly - that would be us - her parents, who are so humbled by her courage and strength and resilience and tenacity every day. I can not believe that I am blessed enough to be called her mom - that God would entrust this beautiful soul to my broken and messed up hands to guide her into womanhood. 

Three years - so MUCH! I can not wait to see what the next three years brings! 

My people

We have had both an eventful and an uneventful few months, hunkered down and recovering from the holidays and all that they brought with them. Instead of a chronological catch up post - I thought I would share my people, first collectively,  then individually! 

My people. 

My crazy, trauma filled fearfully and wonderfully created by God people! 

 My people - who are if nothing creatures of routine and structure, suiting their dad just fine and making me a little nuts. Every Saturday morning - there is an outing with dad. To either The Santa Ama Zoo or the Aquarium. They love it - and there is no changing it. 

And no - I am not invited. The one time a year we get it into our grown up heads that mom should go and we make it a family outing...it is generally a disaster. 

 Who are finding common ground and like activities to engage in as God knots them together as sisters. It is - honestly - a painful process for them, and the threads that hold them together - form their perspective - most days seem not the fabulous "red thread" so fondly quoted in Chinese adoption, but more like a rope that mom and dad and God tied around their necks. But slowly, it is loosening and they are choosing to be bound together as family. 

For kids from trauma - who through no choice of their own have found themselves in a new family, having another person brought into their family - again, through no choice of theirs - can be beyond difficult

It can be massively trauma triggering on some many levels.

It can remind them they have no choice or voice in their loves.

It can remind them of where they came from and their own trauma that torn them apart. 

On a basic level - it's just plain hard to learn to live with someone new. 

But God.

God's love can flow through the biggest traumas and hurts and start a healing journey. 

Tomorrow - my oldest peep - who amazes and astounds me every day! 

The Taboo Subject

It's been a long time since I posted - and quite frankly, this is not the post I thought I would be resuming my blogging by writing. 

Today - at the advice of a trusted friend - I am going to tackle head on a subject that is seriously sensitive in the adoption world - the birth mom. 

About 2 months ago, in a therapy session, our excellent (and I mean "trauma kid whisperer" excellent) therapist was working with Becky. Rachel took me aside and told me that we were going to have a very frank and honest discussion with Becky about her abandonment by her birth mom. Of all our children, Becky carried her loss the deepest and struggles the most. 

As the discussion progressed, I got increasing uncomfortable, because where we were going and where we wound up was -

"Your birth mom made a bad decision".

Oh NO! NO! Don't say that!!!! STOP!! WAVE OFF!!! 

Say instead -  

"we don't know why your birth mom left you" 

or - 

"It was probably very difficult for her" 

or - 

" I am sorry"

But never, ever, ever...made a negative statement about the birth mom or anything she did/does. 

Never say anything bad about her. 

Right? 

Wrong.

Now - before everyone gets all enraged at me - let me explain.

Becky - and a lot of 7 year old trauma kids - see things in black and white. The harsh reality is, when adoptive moms do their jobs well and really, really take care of their kids and fight for them and never let them down and do everything that moms are supposed to do, if the birth mom didn't do that - or it's unknown - the kids know something is out of sync.

God did not design moms to leave their newborns on the steps and walk away for that baby to lie in a crib for a year. (no matter the reason - and I promise ,hang in with me and I will address that)

And my 7 year old knows this. She knows something was wrong. 

Therefore, in her black and white world - something/someone was at fault. And if it wasn't her birth mom, and it wasn't the adoptive parents, that leaves one person in the adoption triad. 

Her.  

That makes no sense to us grown-up, prefrontal cortex thinkers - who understand the complexities that surround the abandonment of babies; however, to the newborn brain - which is where her trauma lives - that was the only answer. 

By allowing her the freedom to explore the choice her birth mom made - which in the eyes of a newborn baby, was a bad choice -  it also allowed her to let go of the burden of being responsible for her abandonment. 

Now - there were, in all probability - some circumstances that for whatever reason deemed this action the best in the situation. The truth - we will never know. As  Becky gets older, we will explore the socio economic realities of the community she was born into. We will discuss the political realities of girls in China. We will talk about the brokenness of the world that compels mothers to walk away from their babies.  

We will also talk about how a choice that was bad for Becky doesn't make her birth mom a bad person. We will talk about how in a fallen world, people make choices that sometimes don't make sense and are hurtful. We will talk about forgiveness and grace. 

For now though, she has been released from the bondage of the lie that she was at fault. 

Since that conversation, three of her teachers have commented in separate conversation about how much more confident she is. How much of a leader in kindness and compassion she is. How much more she is participating in school.

More than that though, the morning after that conversation, Becky asked me if she could ask Jesus into her heart. My child who can recite scripture and loves Jesus and believes with all her heart, didn't feel worthy of having Jesus because of what she perceived she was responsible for. 

Released and saved all in one weekend.