Lest You Think

Lest my precious post leads anyone to believe we are having a boring summer that is not filled with any activity other than hour long rages, here is evidence that we are trying to have fun in spite of the dysregulation it causes! 

A couple of weeks ago, we headed to the LA Zoo with a church friend and her daughter. She is a new friend, but has herself walked a tough adoption path and it is so comforting to hang with people who don't turn green when things look like they are about to head south - 

Cami had a one day burn camp the middle of July - at a professional soccer match. Her very favorite tech Brianna was her buddy...

Fortunately, we have a contact and were able to also get tickets for Tia Annie and I to take the other two girls - 

Becky went to Chinese camp for a week - and loved it! 

We've had campout and cookouts in the living room with s'more making...

Pop-pop came to visit one weekend - which I have no pictures from except the one of them watching his train leave!! 

So even in the midst of adjustment and processing some intense emotions, we are managing to have some fun! 

An Open Letter

An open letter to our friends, family, neighbors, teachers, doctors......

Thank you all for standing by us through the last seven months of surgeries and therapies and testing and all the other things that come with parenting special and medical needs kids. We could not have walked this tough road without your love & support. 

There are some things that I would like to share with you so you can better walk along side of us - now that the honeymoon phase of "adopting an older child" is over. 

1) If it appears that our child is "getting away with things",  she may be. We are parenting a child with a severe trauma background, and when she mis-behaves or acts out (up), it is our signal that she is feeling unsafe. Our primary job right now it to install a feeling of safety into a life that has felt unsafe for 8 years. So if she yells in my face or smacks my arm, and I bend over and take her in my arms and hold her, I am not ignoring the behavior - I am addressing her deep need (whatever it is at that time). Please don't roll your eyes or shake your head at me that I am cultivating a child who will be disrespectful. 

2) I am not spoiling my child by giving her what she wants. I am teaching her to trust me because I am giving her what she needs.  If she wants an egg for breakfast and I am out, I am likely to call you and ask to borrow one. Please don't hint that I could be doing otherwise but am catering to her every whim instead. You would not deny your 7 month old the formula they like or the rice cereal - it's the same thing. She has a need for an egg, I am meeting this little need so she will trust me with the big ones - like love and safety. 

3) Your child has tantrums or fits, my child rages - and there is a difference. My child doesn't just "throw a fit" or "have a tantrum", she rages. For hours at times. Please don't pretend they are the same thing. They aren't. It minimizes the depth of her pain and our agony about them when you act like your child and their meltdowns are at the same level. She has more than 8 years of anger and pain stored up inside her - it is going to take more than a little crying to get it out. 

4) Please don't assume a simple medical procedure or doctor appointment is simple to her.  It is not. It can be a trigger for very deep rooted fears. It can be the tipping point in a hard day. It can be a reminder of abandonment, abuse and neglect. Do not rush us through your office, do not talk to about her as if she is not there. If I tell you about her - listen to me and do not make me defend what I know to be the best thing for her. 

5) What you think is important may not be.  I will not fight battles about homework, proper oral hygiene, or between meal snacking. I will not ask her to do things that are not important or that make her feel badly about herself. I will major in the majors right now - keeping her safe and teaching her to  trust. If what you need from her creates barriers to that, your needs will not get met, because my job right now is to make sure her needs are filled not yours. 

6) When we turn down the invitation to a birthday party, Disneyland or other big event, we are not denying her, we are protecting her. Nights away from home can set her back weeks. Please don't question that decision or make us feel badly.She can not handle the over stimulation of those events and it takes her days to recover. If you want to play with us, invite just us to your house for an afternoon (or better yet - invite just her so I can get an hour or two of respite). We don't need excitement and thrills, we need calm and stable. 

This is a long and hard journey for our family; but we are doing God's work in her life. We are prepared to do what it takes to help her heal inside as well as outside, and the inside damage is deep. More than with any of our other children, we are learning that we are deeply dependent upon the grace and kindness of those in our lives to help us. As you help us, you are also participating in God's work in her life. Stay the course with us - even though it looks different; we need you. 

Simply Celebrating

One of the things I like most about being a mom is watching my kids' friends grow up! I see my children every single day, so I often miss some of the changes they go through because we are going through them together. 

One of our favorite people to see grow up is Ryan. He and Becky have been friends for over three years - and MY GOODNESS how he is growing up! We got to celebrate his 6th birthday with him last Sunday. It was, buy far, one of the best birthday parties we have been to in a long time. The kids swam and ate cake - and had a blast! 

 Even Doug got into the swim of things! 

It is the simple pleasures in life - cake and swimming - that can often get overlooked in the busy-ness and activity packed lives we lead. 

Because of where our kids are right now, we have been making our world smaller and smaller, eliminating things that can over stimulate and overwhelm them. I have been struggling with this - feeling a bit sorry for myself as friends head to Disneyland and the water park and exotic (or any!) vacation spots! In looking over our pictures from the past two weekends, I am beginning to get a glimpse of what God is trying to show me through this season. 

I am grateful that God's plan is better than mine - that His ways are not my ways. I am seeing His joy and pleasures better than I was before. I still might moan a bit, but it's getting better! 

More than it seems -

Last weekend, we had a great treat. Our good friend Aunt Roni invited us to their house for a little swim and some dinner. Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but we were blessed double. First, we don't get out much! Most of our friends don't live places that accommodate the level of activity generated by our three seemingly small and well behaved children. Roni "kid proofed her house" (which is no small undertaking as they have a lot of beautiful sculpture and art pieces!), took a deep breath and welcomed us! 

The second blessing was spending time with them in this beautiful setting! The girls immediately decided naked swimming was in order in the small hot pool. 

 Doug and Uncle Don kickin' back....

...as was Becky. What a view - 

 It may not seem like much - dinner at a friend's house. One of the things this particular season in our life has taught us, however, is that the things in life that don't seem like much often bring us the deepest joy and most sustained satisfaction. 

We are blessed that we have friends who will brave this season with us and shower us with blessings - 

Wordless Wednesday (The Unedited Version)

Wise Beyond their Years

Tonight at dinner, Cami got engaged in a conversation with Becky. I was involved with something else, but quickly dialed in when I heard "and then the older babies are made to stay at Maoming when the new babies come"...huh???

So I turned and said - "hey, I missed that - what are you talking about?"

and my 10 year old began to tell me how if the older kids cry and fuss and then the tummy mommies have a new baby, the older ones are sent to Maoming to live. 

Wow- 

So I asked her if this happened to any of her friends.

"Nope - it's just what I heard" she reported. 

I asked if she thought this was her story.

"I don't think so - I think maybe it was because I got burned". 

I then explained it might be because her tummy mommy couldn't get her the help she needed, and thought she might be able to get that at Maoming.

"Maybe" she replied

And I agreed "maybe - but we will probably never know for sure".

"Yep" she concurred.

This conversation should not, according to the "books" take place for another year or two. If ever. To say that I was shocked and surprised would be an understatement. 

She has clearly been thinking about this recently - which may explain why she has been so dis -regulated. 

Seems like Cami may be wise beyond her years here. 

I am not really sure what to do with this conversation. I am so grateful that she is open to talking. As we continued on - I asked her another question, and she told me she was done talking about it. I was grateful that she knew when she had all she could handle and could articulate that. I am sad that she has carried this knowledge in her little heart.

Tonight - please pray for Cami and all the others that are wise beyond their precious baby years. For those that have lost their childhood. Who know too much for their tender hearts to handle. 

Finger Play

One of the most frustrating things about burn reconstruction surgery is the wait for the result. The area that is grafted to becomes very swollen and sensitive and red/black as the healing process aces place. There is residual scarring that forms after the initial healing takes place (and Cami scars VERY badly, so it is almost always three steps forward and two steps back with every surgery). It is often 12 weeks before the result is   settled.

In April, Cami had surgery on her left hand. Since then, the hand has been bandaged and covered and swollen and tender as her index finger healed. She had surgery the third week in June to work on the other two fingers. When they did that, she was finally able to have her first finger exposed and released.

Guess what she discovered fingers are good for???? 

This plastic ring from the top of a birthday cupcake brought more joy to her! 

So many new things that fingers are good for (now we start with the physical therapy to get it moving - but that's a tale for another week!) 

Where's June???

It's been a few weeks since a real update post - you know, the kind that actually says something about what we are doing with some cute pictures. June just flew out the window - not sure where it went. 

It's not that we haven't been doing things - we have. 

It's just that we are having a really hard time transitioning to summer and a "no school" routine and schedule.

A really, really hard time. At the end of the day (actually, by about 9 am) I am utterly and thoroughly exhausted from trying to keep kids who struggle with change (because in the past change = pain) regulated and even. I am barely getting through the day - so blogging definitely has taken a back seat. 

However, there is hope - a dim light at the end of the tunnel that I am pretty sure is not a train - that we are getting into the groove, at least a little bit. So, in an effort to not be a total slacker, and to get caught up - here is a brief pictorial summary of our summer so far....

a couple of grey beach days - the marine layer has been thick recently

Ali - our most wonderful babysitter - joined us! 

 There are moments that have been true grace bubbles from God - and this was one of them. Cami was gathering shells, and made a friend. This little girl - from the minute they connected, was so nice to her. I was so moved I watched and found her mother, and went to thank her - to encourage her that whatever she was doing with her daughter, it was working! 

Our summer daily plan in action... 

 We also celebrated 4th of July - 

 The first 4th of July that my girls spend home is always special to me. They don't truly understand the meaning of "independence" but someday they will. I know that they have the freedom to learn about Jesus here - something that in China might not happen. Praise God. 

 Our annual neighborhood get together 

Waiting for the fireworks! 

 Sissy was home for the week - and we had a great visit! 

And sometimes we just lie around watching a movie because that's all mom can handle!