Maybe Not Alone

In this post, I talked about feeling alone in a church filled with people. There is some more to be said as a follow up. 

1) First - I hurt some of my friends' feelings who are present in our life, and for that I am truly sorry. I wrote this post because I was feeling so very burdened for some of my fellow moms who have been really, really hurt recently by some people. While it is true that the faces of our friends have changed, and some of our "people" have backed away, God has been extremely gracious and good to us.  From our neighbors to fellow moms at school, to my running buddies, we are blessed with people who have come into the messy with us.

2) When I talk about "church" I am speaking more of the global body of Christ. Our particular church has been very supportive of us - and we have an excellent disabilities ministry to support our Sunday mornings. Still - those are ministries, and some people in our church do feel isolated and alone.  Church isn't a building - it's a body. The body needs more hands and feet. A follow up to a comment I got:

Karen, I am so afraid my post minimized what you are dealing with. I know it didn't address the real problem of indifference among believers. I have said to my Sunday School class that we should be able to stand up and tell the Church that we are struggling with an addiction or a rebellious child or any other sin and be assured that we won't be judged but prayed for and offered help etc. The only thing we feel safe about sharing is physical needs which are far less dangerous to our relationship with God than many other things. We wear our Sundy mask pretending everything is OK. But church is not a place for saints but a hospital for sinners and people struggling with many different situations. Maybe your post has reached someone who said, hey I need to be more observant and reach out. I know that having my two precious China dolls has made me more aware.

3) In a cost-benefit analysis, the blessings of watching my children thrive and grow and live far out weigh the losses any of us endure. But it is ok to grieve the loss of the things you lost. Lament. It's biblical - just ask David. Just don't stay there.

God has blessed our family beyond measure with our children - but it's not a blessing wrapped in a beautiful bow and pretty paper. It's not a story with a fairytale ending. One of our girls will probably never be able to live on her own. One will always suffer the indignity of stares and comments. The third will have to make her way in the mess of all this. Still - we are blessed.

We are blessed that we see the power of God made perfect in our weakness.

We are blessed to see redemption lived out every single day in our home.

We are blessed with the body of Christ who has stepped into the messy with us.

Be the body today. Bless someone and step into their messy. You will be changed and they will be blessed. 

Why it's worth it

A couple of my last posts have been about hard this journey is. Lest anyone think I have lost sight of the pay off, let me assure you I have not. There is no greater joy in our lives than our girls - and watching them be them! 

We are blessed with friends along this road - and when they come and stay, we are REALLY happy!! 

 Isn't it lovely that keep the girls in touch with their culture means the occasional shopping trip to Chinatown!! 

 Breakfast! 

 "make new friends, but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold!"

Cheers! 

The happiest girl in the world! Our bug full of joy this one is! 

 My girls simply adore their pop-pop. They love when he is here, and they have decided that he should take them to breakfast...so off they go before school! It is such a simple thing, yet for kids who have known so much loss, having the love of a grandpa can heal so many hurts. They feel worthy and loved - no greater gift can you give a child. 

 Daughters of the King - princesses in their own right! 

Alone in a Church Filled with People

It's been a while since I've posted. I have been wrestling with this post's subject for a couple of weeks now - and it just can't wait any longer. 

What it is about mom's of special needs kids (and I am including adoptive kids or kids with trauma in their history) that makes us isolated? In the past few weeks, these are some things that I have heard from moms:

I lost every single local friend I had

I have no friends. Absolutely no one that i talk to or hang out with locally outside of brief hellos at church. We left the church I had been in for 44 years and not one person contacted me to see where I had disappeared to. Not one. That was almost 2 years ago and I have had zero personal contact with any of my "friends" there since. Not one call. Not one email.

I can't say I've had the pleasure of having many close friends. Those women I do talk to now- they just don't get it. And I get zero support from them.

longing for a friend, lacking a support system...we have a few casual friends - dinner after a church function occasionally (but only if their better friends are not available) but no one close - and I hate that for my girls as much as me - no play dates, no outings with friends.

just feeling like people don't always understand that I can't just up and call any neighborhood teenager to watch my kids at the drop of a hat..... feeling a little socially isolated in the process

 I seriously have one other friend with which I've done that (sat on the couch and had coffee) maybe 3 times in the 8 years I've had the kids

we haven't been invited to anyone's house since we came to this church 8 years ago

Every single one of these ladies has special needs kids - and every single one of them loves Jesus with their whole heart. And every single one of them is relatively normal (as normal as you can be when living a radical life for the Lord). And every single one is in a bible believing, Christ centered church. And every single one feel isolated and lonely.  

Something is radically wrong here. 

The church is failing miserably in it's desire to be Jesus in a fallen world if every Sunday there are families/moms/dads sitting in service feeling lonely & isolated in a room full of hundreds - or thousands. And it's not because these lonely folks don't know anyone. 

They all had good, steady friends - before. 

Before the diagnosis.

Before the adoption. 

Before the messy. 

Somehow - everyone has faded away quietly, or left with hurtful words. We have been uninvited to events, isolated from a tight group or their phone simply stopped ringing. 

I had a very good and close friend who used a small thing I did to terminate our friendship. It was a reaction out of proportion to the offense. I know that she simply used the incident to end our friendship because Katie can be a hard child to be around or have around. 

Another friend - the woman who mentored me when I first became a Christian - asked in a rather rude and abrupt manner - to be taken off my email list. 

Look - I get that those of us with trauma/SN kids lead lives that are different and messy. Very messy. Our kids aren't quiet and they aren't predictable and they represent in the truest form of the word a fallen world. It's not an easy place to live in - it's messy. We know. We live here. All. the. time.  

We hate that we are alone - except for others in the trenches with us.

We miss our friends from before. 

It't not as if just one or two left - for many, it's all. 

At the end of the day, it also doesn't matter why they walked away. Jesus doesn't say to bear one another's burdens unless it is too hard. Or too unfamiliar. Or too uncomfortable. Or there is a risk that something in your house might get broken if you have them over. 

The reason this post has taken me so long to write is I simply don't know what to offer. I don't know how to respond.

I don't have a tidy solution to this. I can't give a laundry list of ideas to make this not happen or to fix broken friendships. 

The best I can do is suggest that if you are reading this - and your kids are normal (yep - normal...I know it's PC to say "typical" but I am not feeling very PC today!) pray about it. Ask the Lord to show you where you might have consciously or inadvertently walked away when it got messy from someone. And wade back into their messy.

If you are lonely. If your kids are messy and your life is messy and you are alone, know that God sees. That He is with you. That He understands your need for fellowship in the flesh. Whether it's a best friend cyber buddy or another mom in church who gets it or someone you wouldn't expect  - He can provide. 

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.