What it is about mom's of special needs kids (and I am including adoptive kids or kids with trauma in their history) that makes us isolated? In the past few weeks, these are some things that I have heard from moms:
I lost every single local friend I had
I have no friends. Absolutely no one that i talk to or hang out with locally outside of brief hellos at church. We left the church I had been in for 44 years and not one person contacted me to see where I had disappeared to. Not one. That was almost 2 years ago and I have had zero personal contact with any of my "friends" there since. Not one call. Not one email.
I can't say I've had the pleasure of having many close friends. Those women I do talk to now- they just don't get it. And I get zero support from them.
longing for a friend, lacking a support system...we have a few casual friends - dinner after a church function occasionally (but only if their better friends are not available) but no one close - and I hate that for my girls as much as me - no play dates, no outings with friends.
just feeling like people don't always understand that I can't just up and call any neighborhood teenager to watch my kids at the drop of a hat..... feeling a little socially isolated in the process
I seriously have one other friend with which I've done that (sat on the couch and had coffee) maybe 3 times in the 8 years I've had the kids
we haven't been invited to anyone's house since we came to this church 8 years ago
Every single one of these ladies has special needs kids - and every single one of them loves Jesus with their whole heart. And every single one of them is relatively normal (as normal as you can be when living a radical life for the Lord). And every single one is in a bible believing, Christ centered church. And every single one feel isolated and lonely.
Something is radically wrong here.
The church is failing miserably in it's desire to be Jesus in a fallen world if every Sunday there are families/moms/dads sitting in service feeling lonely & isolated in a room full of hundreds - or thousands. And it's not because these lonely folks don't know anyone.
They all had good, steady friends - before.
Before the diagnosis.
Before the adoption.
Before the messy.
Somehow - everyone has faded away quietly, or left with hurtful words. We have been uninvited to events, isolated from a tight group or their phone simply stopped ringing.
I had a very good and close friend who used a small thing I did to terminate our friendship. It was a reaction out of proportion to the offense. I know that she simply used the incident to end our friendship because Katie can be a hard child to be around or have around.
Another friend - the woman who mentored me when I first became a Christian - asked in a rather rude and abrupt manner - to be taken off my email list.
Look - I get that those of us with trauma/SN kids lead lives that are different and messy. Very messy. Our kids aren't quiet and they aren't predictable and they represent in the truest form of the word a fallen world. It's not an easy place to live in - it's messy. We know. We live here. All. the. time.
We hate that we are alone - except for others in the trenches with us.
We miss our friends from before.
It't not as if just one or two left - for many, it's all.
At the end of the day, it also doesn't matter why they walked away. Jesus doesn't say to bear one another's burdens unless it is too hard. Or too unfamiliar. Or too uncomfortable. Or there is a risk that something in your house might get broken if you have them over.
The reason this post has taken me so long to write is I simply don't know what to offer. I don't know how to respond.
I don't have a tidy solution to this. I can't give a laundry list of ideas to make this not happen or to fix broken friendships.
The best I can do is suggest that if you are reading this - and your kids are normal (yep - normal...I know it's PC to say "typical" but I am not feeling very PC today!) pray about it. Ask the Lord to show you where you might have consciously or inadvertently walked away when it got messy from someone. And wade back into their messy.
If you are lonely. If your kids are messy and your life is messy and you are alone, know that God sees. That He is with you. That He understands your need for fellowship in the flesh. Whether it's a best friend cyber buddy or another mom in church who gets it or someone you wouldn't expect - He can provide.
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
Thanks for writing this. I could have written the same comments as all of the other moms. We've lost friends, family and church. That has been, by far, the most difficult thing for me. I have grieved heavily while remembering my life before it was "messy" and all of the connections we have lost. ALL is not lost, though, as in return, we do have our wonderful, beautiful, amazing kiddos. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnother well written post. I understand the feelings too well. What is even harder is I have one messy kid and one normal kid and I see the difference with how I am treated. Raising children with special needs is a hard job. I used to be more judgemental (pre-kids) and I am soo not that way anymore. I do try to reach out and be empathetic when I can. We are all doing the best we can. Thanks again for another well written post!!!
ReplyDeleteDitto on your post. But, I will piggyback on Joy's comment...something else we get in return...the chance to "meet" some pretty amazing other Mamas in these trenches. Mamas we can laugh and cry with even though we may never meet in person. I know God keeps sending special Mamas into my path to give me encouragement every single day.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Jennifer
P.S. I would invite your "messy" family over for dinner in a heartbeat. Ya'll couldn't be any "messier" then us!
Thanks, Karen.
ReplyDeleteJohn 13:34, 35...Jesus gave one of the identifying marks of TRUE Christianity...the LOVE among all in the congregations. If you want to find that kind of love, listen to Jehovah's Witnesses, and ask them questions, next time they come to your door. They have a worldwide brotherhood of nearly 8 million people. They meet in Kingdom Halls around the world, and in each one of them, you'll find people of all nationalities, personalities, and backgrounds who truly love one another. They will welcome you and ALL of your children, regardless of how different they may be from the so called 'normal' kids. They're not perfect, by any means, but they do manifest true Christian love for all people. Give them a chance to show you... no matter what you've heard about them. Keep an open mind. You'll not be disappointed.
ReplyDeleteYour willingness to "tell it like it is" might be the first step in making a difference. God bless you and I will continue to pray for you and all of those "Hero Moms" out there.
ReplyDeletePrissy
Karen, I'm not in your situation but we also are "different". We're missionaries. When we go back, very few people ask questions about what we do or show any interest in our lives. Fortunately, someone who went before us warned that that would happen. My point is that people just don't tend to be comfortable with those who are different. We can relate to their lives because we used to live that life but they've never walked in our shoes so many just can't relate. I don't think most people are intentionally uncaring or rude. They just don't get it. It just makes the few people who do get it so much more precious! And we get the pleasure of drawing closer to the heart of Christ because so many of our "stays" have been knocked out from under us. We find that HE is more precious than we knew and that His grace is more sufficient than we understood. And those are good things. Yes, sometimes it hurts and it shouldn't necessarily be like that in the Body of Christ, but there are roses from the briers! Love what Amy Carmichael said,
ReplyDelete"Thou hast not that, my child, but thou hast Me. And am not I alone enough for thee? I know it all, how through the wistful days thou walkest all the dear familiar ways as unregarded as a breath of air- but there, in love and longing always there. I know it all, but from thy brier shall blow a rose for others, if it were not so I would have told Thee. Come then, say to Me, "My Lord, my Love, I am content with Thee."
Fondly,
Pat
Knee deep in messy over here. Thank you for being so honest and still encouraging.
ReplyDeleteReally wish you all lived closer! Would definitely have you over for a big messy party! I always feel inspired after reading your posts, even thought I don't get to catch up here as much as I used to. God Bless you and your family!
ReplyDeleteCarmi
I am so sorry you had to write this post. Sometimes people stink. You are so very inspiring and couragous.
ReplyDeleteI grew up and occasionally attended Catholic church.Then married into a
ReplyDeleterigid Catholic family,husband insisted on church every Sunday or Sat. night.
We had 2 kids, the boy developmentally delayed, higher functioning but behind his peers. As a 30 something I felt so isolated. It seemed like after the service everyone couldn't wait to get out of the church. The priest never paid any attention to us..we later got a divorce with hubby finding "another woman"..The kids were seniors in high school and are 41 and 42 now...our family has never been the same since 1988. I know the reason my daughter never found a true love is she doesn't trust men. My son
went on to develop MS, and now lives on disability. I live in subsidized housing and have never had another "significant other"...Never seemed to be able to trust church people again!..We found out the priest who married us was convicted of sex abuse and another priest "messed with" my brother when he was 12...only found this out 4 or 5 years ago. I could definitely relate to your feeling of isolation...thank you for sharing. mm vancouver, wa.
Its helpful to know I am not alone. Its hard to have kids that are different, mine have had serious behavior issues. I know as the parent people just want to stay away from that, and assume bad parenting has to be the cause. I think we should somehow figure out a way to connect us with each other so we can offer support. Not sure how it would work but its an idea. I finally found support when I attended an autism support groups for Mom's who had kids who were more severly affected. Even with that it was hard to ever get together with any of the Mom's as they were all as over whelemed as I was. I'm a single Mom and I think that can make it worse as I have not even had another adult to share things with.
ReplyDeleteMy child with the most challening behavior is now in a group home, and while it broke my heart is has truend out to be a good thing for me and for both of my kids. We can now enjoy the time we are togheter, and are not just surviving.
All I can say is that really sucks about your church. I was asked not to bring my son to my church, which meant, don't come as I'm a single Mom which they knew.
Karen it breaks my heart to know that the very place that should above all others show you love, compassion and a helping hand makes you feel so alone. Cindy and Kirk have indeed been blessed by a loving caring congregation and have received so much support. I don't have any answers for you. I have a suggestion. I have no idea that it is feasible and admit that I don't truly have a clue about what you really go through. But here goes. From your post it seems that you have a fairly large church, so there may be other families with similar needs. If all of the husbands are as good at helping as yours is, maybe you could ask for the use of a room during worship. One Sunday the wives would attend worship while the husbands kept the kids and the next week switch off. At least you could "truly worship" without worrying about the kids distracting others. Also I noticed that youR Church does have a summer program for special needs kids. Maybe some of the people that help with that would be willing to help out too. I know you just can't leave the girls with regular nursery volunteers . I also know you have very little time to organize anything but it just an idea. I will be praying for God to work this out in His way. You truly do inspire me and are always in my prayers but I am going to pray more fervently and ask some of mt friends to pray too. With much love, Prissy
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