BUT GOD!

At the beginning of this week, I was not terribly excited about how the rest of the week was shaping up. I was convinced that I would spend my birthday sitting in the hospital room with Cami after her surgery - who would be grumpy and all out of sorts (understandably & justifiably) after her surgery. That it would be lonely and sad and bleak.

BUT GOD! 

Had a different idea, and at 10:00, I got a text from a friend I LOVE but don't actually spend too much time with, that she was downstairs. In the hospital lobby. Coming up to see us. 

Our hospital is about 60 miles from our house, but it almost always takes at least 2 hours to get here because it is on the other side of LA from us. If she was here at 10 am, it took her at least three hours to get her. 

She came in with smiles and bearing a birthday cake! Cami had just gotten up from the OR about an hour before, and was alert and awake and pain free and ready to party.

So we did! 

I know this was God because my sweet friend is raising trauma - real trauma. Trauma that keeps her within yards, if not feet, of her children at all times. BUT GOD - told her to get in her car and go. 

So she went. 

And stayed - all day with us. And went out and brought back lunch. 

And we all laughed and cried together. We sat and talked. We compared notes and offered suggestions and shared stories that our Saturday morning runs didn't allow in the time or space.

She came and stayed.

She listened. 

And when she got home, her house was still standing and the trauma was how she left it - not worse or better. 

That's God. 

I thought this would be the worst birthday (or one of the top 5!)...

BUT GOD 

had a different plan.

A plan to make it one of the top 5. 

That's GOD! 

Jennifer - I love you to bits and pieces! You are a beloved daughter of the King and I am thankful that He has knitted us together as sisters in Christ and friends through this journey! 

No Surprises

It has been a rough 24 hours here

• We had a no show for an interview on a replacement for our babysitter
• Doug got seated on a jury in a criminal case - tough case, tough judge...during his very busiest week of the year at work
• We got a call that Cami's graft is failing on one side - and we have to go back to the hospital. They are going to use skin from her scalp - which means she will lose some of her hair. 
• On Thursday.
• My birthday.
• For an overnight stay

All this actually happened in the space of about 5 hours yesterday.

It was not a pleasant afternoon & evening here- Lots of tears (mine & hers) and nashing of teeth (mostly mine) and general misery. 

Then - through a response to an "administrative" email I had sent, I was reminded:

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

I was reminded that none of these events were a surprise to God. He knew exactly that each and every event would happen. 

• He knows how our child care issue will be handled next week.
• He placed Doug on that jury - not the judge or the attorney's - but God alone deemed it necessary to have Doug there. 
• He could have stopped the graft from failing - but didn't. For reasons He alone knows. 
• He has counted every hair on her heard - placed it there - and is allowing it to be removed. 
• My birthday. The day He ordained after knitting me together in my mother's womb. He deserves the praise and the glory - it's not about me. 

Through the teeth gnashing and tears, I lost sight of my faith for a moment. I took my eyes from the One I know is in control and put them instead on me, mine, and ours. I forgot what Jesus bought when He died on the cross. 

He bought my freedom from the worry of the world. 

I squander that gift when I gnash my teeth and shed tears over the moments of today. I do a disservice to my God - the God who loved me enough to buy that freedom with the life of his son. 

So today - instead of teeth gnashing and tears...

There will be shouts of praise and blessings and thanksgiving....

not for these events, which right now I can not actually be thankful for - but for the fact that that none of this was a surprise to God. 

In that, I place my hope, my faith, and my trust. 

(Cami and I are going back into the hospital early Thursday morning and will likely be there through Friday. My mom and step dad are changing their plans to come out and will be with Becky and Katie and Doug) 

Right Here in this moment

"Feeling a yearning" Doug queried as we sat having lunch today over looking the yacht club.

"For what?" I asked, a bit puzzled

"You know - are you missing it?" 

"No" - my quick answer and we moved onto the next topic. 

An hour later, a song came on - 

"These are the moments I know heaven must exists, these are the moments I know all I need is this" 

I realized, in that moment, just how far we have come. 

This was my life "BK" (before kids") 

(yep - that skinny girl is me) 

I got to do some pretty amazing things. It's not because I was particularly skilled at the sport but rather I had some great contacts and was running my own business in the industry. So opportunities were plentiful. To race with the designer of boats and olympic competitors and world champions. To sail from San Diego to Manzanillo on a million dollar racing boat. To spend the weekends in Catalina on 65+ foot power boats. 

Very cool. Very Fun. 

When Becky came home, I did both for a while, but God orchestrated some events that worked me nicely out of working outside the house and into working inside the house - including two more kids! 

Periodically, I still get a call to come race - but circumstances have been such that it really hasn't even been an option. While at times it has an appeal, it simply wasn't practical. 

Back to this afternoon - 

My answer to Doug was short, honest, and simple. 

It was later, when the words " right here in this moment, is right where I'm meant to be" that the reality of how very true this is for my life right now hit me hard. 

I am meant to be the mom to the girls I am the mom - not off sailing the high seas.

I am meant to cooking & cleaning and doing laundry and tending to my husband and kids - not planning great parties in Key West for racers.

I am meant to be a woman of God - pursuing the things that are pleasing to Him, not pleasing to my self or the world. 

Amidst the chaos and trauma and rage and bruises and hospital visits and dressing changes and dog pee and IEP meetings and all the other "stuff" that makes up any given day, I am exactly where God wants me to be right now - right here in this moment. 

And I could not ask for more

All the glory goes to God - for I could not have ever imagined that this would be all I could ever ask for. His plans for me were so much bigger and better than my own! 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Katie Goes to Camp

People criticize  Facebook a lot - about how "technology" relationships aren't real and how the connections made through the internet aren't real. 

Through the miracle of technology and the invention of Facebook groups, Katie had the most amazing opportunity to attend a week long horse camp. A friend in a Facebook group & her daughter put together a week long program for foster & adopted kids. One of Katie's amazing teachers offered to go with her to help - and viola!

Katie goes to horse camp.

 There are a lot of pictures and not a lot of words to follow, because sometimes words diminish the power of a photo. 

To say that she had a good time just doesn't do the experience justice. For a week, she got to do some things that "typical" things do. She got to experience something new and fun and she absolutely loved it. 

Thanks to my Facebook friend Christine - you blessed our family. The power of technology used for good - love it! 

Parenting Like Jesus

As a disclaimer - this post is going to upset some people. There are going to be those who disagree with this position on parenting and this absolutely ok. I will share your comments as long as they are respectfully written and not personal attacks on me or my family

I have just read the most disturbing post on Facebook. A friend posted that her teen son - adopted 2 years ago - is struggling with lying. It wasn't the post that was disturbing - it was the comments that she received.

Some of the responses - 

Call him out right then and there- even in front of his friends.. Make the pain of lying worse than the pain if telling the truth.

Have you made him write scripture about lying?? Like 100 times?? And pray for forgiveness.

Eph.4:28 to emphasize that he needs not only to stop lying, but to start telling the truth; v.29 just because lying would be in the category of "unwholesome" talk. Of course there are dozens more in Proverbs. 

The peer pressure was tough. She also had an ex-convict come and talk to the kids about how his lying and lack of consequences grew into a bigger and bigger problem until he paid a massive consequence....prison and the resulting problems after prison.

...always said, "I am so disappointed in you." Instead of angry or mad - my parents always used that term with me and it REALLY made me feel horrible.

Shame always worked on me. My mother's disappointment in me killed me! I also hated the silent treatment!

Do these make you squirm just a little bit? 

These are 25% of the responses - and every single person who posted one of these responses is a follower of Jesus Christ.

That's just not relfected in their answers. 

Why don't we love our kids as Jesus loves us? Why don't we guide them with the grace and compassion and mercy He shows us? 

He doesn't use shame. 

He doesn't use fear. 

He doesn't use peer pressure or scare tactics of "what if". 

He certainly doesn't use the Word of God in a  punishment. Or a weapon to berate or chastise.  

He heals our hurts.

He ministers to our broken hearts.

I once read that all sin is a response to unmet needs  - that we try to met our needs in inappropriate and sinful ways. 

Jesus knows this - and He meets those needs through love.

This is the model for therauputic parenting. But it's more than that - it's a picture of how we need to treat all our children - not just the ones from hard places. 

Children acting badly are children feeling badly. Making them feel worse might solve the behavior issue in the short term - but long term, is it how we want them to feel? Isn't it better for them to feel better? For us to "sit with them at the well" and understand their hurt? 

 Jacob’s well was there; and Jesus, tired from the long walk, sat wearily beside the well about noontime. Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, “Please give me a drink.” He was alone at the time because his disciples had gone into the village to buy some food.

 The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans.She said to Jesus, “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?”

Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”.......

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” “Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again......

I am not saying there are no consequences or repercussions for bad behavior. Teaching a child that actions have consequences is a normal and appropriate developmental task for parents to engage in.  We would be remiss in our parental responsibilities if we did not do this. 

However, to shame or make our kids feel horrible? That's Old Testament - and as a follower of Jesus, we are covered with the blood of Jesus that washes away the punishments and theology of the old testament  WIthout the Old Testament, the New Testament is irrelevant; however, we are no longer bound to live under the requirements  of the sacrifice to earn grace law. 

So we get to ask ourselves - 

What would Jesus do? 

I don't do it all the time - but tonight was a great reminder. 

Seeing with the Grace of Jesus

Today is Katie's first day of school. It came early this year due to district re-calendaring. 

It has been a good summer - for a lot of reasons, one of which is that it is short. 

Summers are hard - because they are so unstructured. Even with structure, they are not what school is for Katie. For her, and other kids with special needs - summers are really hard. For kids from trauma, summers are super hard. 

Summer time often means something different every day. It means surprises and seeing different people and going to new places and having new experiences. For a typical kids - those are awesome experiences. For a trauma kids and special needs kids - those are scary opportunities fraught with danger. 

So I, like a lot of moms with non-typical kids, celebrate the beginning of school. We are glad to have our kids go off to school. We know - on every level, this is better for our kids, our families and us.

So why then - do I still let words like this hurt me:

I am SO glad to see you post this (a friend posted she was sad to see summer break end)! It always irritates me to see parents beckoning the first day of school so that they can "ship off" their kids. It's nice to see someone wishing for more summer break!

I know the truth for my family - yet I can let a total strangers judgment of me hurt me (home schoolers' comments about "bonding and attachment" also fall into this category).

I know - and the people that know me know - that I love my children as fiercely as anyone can - even though I "ship" them off everyday to school. 

All our wonderful attachment and trauma professionals and special ed professionals and ABA therapists and speech therapist and psychologists and doctors agree that our kids need to be in school. Our family doctor told me outright that my body can't handle the stress of them being home every day (which is why I am always sick by the end of summer).

I know it's best for our kids.

Yet - I let a total stranger's words define me in that moment as a "bad, unloving mom". I would bet a dollar that she is a really nice, grace filled person. That if I knew her in person she would be my friend and be supportive of our family and even be horrified that her words had hurt me. 

ONce I got over myself. I started really thinking about this. 

And then I wondered about myself.

How many times have I done the exact thing? 

Made a statement about a situation that was totally justified in my mind - yet inadvertently judged someone I knew nothing about? 

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.

Judge others. The way I want to be judged.

Through the grace of Jesus. 

Because I am saved by the grace of Jesus, when I stand before God at the end of my days, I will be judged by God through the sacrifice made for me on the cross - through the lens of grace. 

So if that's how I am to be judged - how should I judge others? And do it I do that? 

Nope. Not at all. 

I am pretty sure that "others" mean - everybody - not just people I know. Everyone I think about or who might read my words. 

Do I approach everything I read on Facebook with the grace of Jesus? Do I comment with the grace of Jesus? Do I interact and react with that grace?

Do I see every rude store clerk or nasty driver through the eyes of God. 

Maybe that perfectly coiffed, botox filled, seemingly self absorbed woman at bible study is really fighting a battle every day to keep her wandering husband in her bed instead of someone else's.

Maybe that mom screaming at her kids in the grocery store just received an eviction notice because her ex husband missed yet another child support payment. 

Maybe that Lexus driver just found out that all his money in the world can't change a terminal diagnosis?

Maybe not. 

But because I claim the grace of Jesus, I need to do a better job at extending that same grace to everyone. 

Including the friend of a friend who reads my Facebook comments. 

Happy first day of school Katie! I know that you know how much I love you - even though I am happy you are back in school!! 

(And for those who might be wondering - she had an amazing first day of school! Her behavior this afternoon when she got home was the best it's been in a long time!)