As a disclaimer - this post is going to upset some people. There are going to be those who disagree with this position on parenting and this absolutely ok. I will share your comments as long as they are respectfully written and not personal attacks on me or my family
Some of the responses -
Call him out right then and there- even in front of his friends.. Make the pain of lying worse than the pain if telling the truth.
Have you made him write scripture about lying?? Like 100 times?? And pray for forgiveness.
Eph.4:28 to emphasize that he needs not only to stop lying, but to start telling the truth; v.29 just because lying would be in the category of "unwholesome" talk. Of course there are dozens more in Proverbs.
The peer pressure was tough. She also had an ex-convict come and talk to the kids about how his lying and lack of consequences grew into a bigger and bigger problem until he paid a massive consequence....prison and the resulting problems after prison.
...always said, "I am so disappointed in you." Instead of angry or mad - my parents always used that term with me and it REALLY made me feel horrible.
Shame always worked on me. My mother's disappointment in me killed me! I also hated the silent treatment!
Do these make you squirm just a little bit?
These are 25% of the responses - and every single person who posted one of these responses is a follower of Jesus Christ.
That's just not relfected in their answers.
Why don't we love our kids as Jesus loves us? Why don't we guide them with the grace and compassion and mercy He shows us?
He doesn't use shame.
He doesn't use fear.
He doesn't use peer pressure or scare tactics of "what if".
He certainly doesn't use the Word of God in a punishment. Or a weapon to berate or chastise.
He heals our hurts.
He ministers to our broken hearts.
I once read that all sin is a response to unmet needs - that we try to met our needs in inappropriate and sinful ways.
Jesus knows this - and He meets those needs through love.
This is the model for therauputic parenting. But it's more than that - it's a picture of how we need to treat all our children - not just the ones from hard places.
Children acting badly are children feeling badly. Making them feel worse might solve the behavior issue in the short term - but long term, is it how we want them to feel? Isn't it better for them to feel better? For us to "sit with them at the well" and understand their hurt?
Jacob’s well was there; and Jesus, tired from the long walk, sat wearily beside the well about noontime. Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, “Please give me a drink.” He was alone at the time because his disciples had gone into the village to buy some food.
The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans.She said to Jesus, “You are a Jew, and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?”
Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”.......
Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” “Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again......
I am not saying there are no consequences or repercussions for bad behavior. Teaching a child that actions have consequences is a normal and appropriate developmental task for parents to engage in. We would be remiss in our parental responsibilities if we did not do this.
However, to shame or make our kids feel horrible? That's Old Testament - and as a follower of Jesus, we are covered with the blood of Jesus that washes away the punishments and theology of the old testament WIthout the Old Testament, the New Testament is irrelevant; however, we are no longer bound to live under the requirements of the sacrifice to earn grace law.
So we get to ask ourselves -
What would Jesus do?
I don't do it all the time - but tonight was a great reminder.
I don't do it all the time - but tonight was a great reminder.
I saw the post on FB too but I didn't read past the first couple of comments. I wonder if the people saying these things are adoptive parents?
ReplyDelete"It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” - YES!!! Only that spring has the power to make us live God's way. :) Thanks for the reminder. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post Karen. Parenting questions in open forums are often a bit dicey, but I thought it appropriate to ask and I'm glad that I did. Your insight as a fellow Christ-follower and child advocate and your friendship continue to inspire me. Parenting the heart is much harder than parenting the actions.
ReplyDeleteChildren will get their perspective of what kind of father God is and how He treats us from what kind of parents we are and how we treat them. Most of the Christian parenting books and parenting advice from other Christians is an Old Testament model of obedience through fear of punishment. I myself have made a lot of mistakes as a parent by trying to follow that model. But when I really sought the Lord in prayer, He began teaching me how to parent my daughter with the same grace He gives me. That doesn't mean I just let her do what she wants to. There are still rules in our house. But now instead of my main focus be on obedience through fear, my focus is on our relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe main thing I want her to learn is that God loves her and I love her. I want her to be so secure in that love that she can come to me and tell me the truth about any sin or mistake she has made, knowing that I love her and will help her to make things right, instead of running from me out of fear of punishment, shame, or loss of love. Because someday when she is grown, I want her to know that it is always safe to run to God for help, ESPECIALLY when she has sinned or made a mistake. I don't want her to run away from Him out of fear of punishment, shame, or loss of His love. I want her to know that my love is unconditional. I may not always like her behavior, but I always like and deeply love her. And God's love is unconditional.
"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may recieve mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb. 4:15-16
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19 The greatest thing we can teach our children is love. We teach them how to love by loving them and showing them what real love is. When they learn how much they are loved, not only by their parents, but by God Himself, they will love others. We as Christians love others, not because we are afraid of punishment, but because God has loved us and our hearts are filled with His love. And when we truly love others, we don't lie to them, or steal from them or do anything that would hurt them.
Another thing I have learned is that it is important for me to be a godly role model to my daughter. How can I tell her to control her anger and not yell at me if I lose my temper and yell at her? Children will learn more from how they see us acting than from how we tell them to act.
All of this is still a learning process for me. It is hard sometimes to reject the way I was parented and take the time to seek God's guidance for how He wants me to parent my child (which I have to do daily!). But it is a relief to relinquish the fear that my child will turn out badly if I am not strict and hard. I believe it is not just up to me how my child turns out. I trust that God is working in her heart and life, especially since she herself has asked Him into her heart. I trust that He will cause the fruit of the Spirit and godly character to grow in her because of her relationship with Him. I will do my part by trying my best to teach her and model for her the way a believer should live, but ultimately it will be a result of her own relationship with God.
Thank you for your posts, Karen. I have learned so much from you! (I'm sorry my post is so long!)
Julia B.
The only way one can begin to understand and accept God's grace is to have someone with skin on to show it to them. All children not just children from hard places need to know that their parents love them no matter what they do. Not in a permissive way but in a loving way.
ReplyDeleteGreat post <3
ReplyDeleteIt makes me very sad to read these. You can use the bible and rigid views on how others should behave to cause a lot of hurt and pain. In my state, Washington, right now there is a trial going on for the murder of an adopted girl from Ethiopia, Hana Williams. Her parents were Christian and felt guided by their believes to beat both of their adopted kids and starve them. Hana died from the results of hypothermia, and starvation, after being left outside and not allowed to come into the house. They instructed their other children to also beat the two adopted children.
ReplyDeleteWhile I know what they did is extreme, if people who are adopting have so little understanding of how different it is to raise a child who has come from a hard place, and will say such things about lying, it scars me. This is what can lead to possible abuse when these "approaches" do not get the desired change in the child.
Raising any child with behavior issues is complicated and requires a lot of flexability and willingness to search for the best resources and approach to parenting that child. Using a one way of parenting on all kids, especially adopted kids is a recipe for possible disaster.