Laying the Groundwork

We had a great beach day Easter weekend  - we went to a new beach (to us) and the girls had an absolute blast finally getting to play!! 

The amusement for the morning was a large piece of kelp - which provided a good hour of entertainment! 

 All of this fun, wes, however, secondary to the reason we were at teh beach. Our sweet friend Roni was celebrating her birthday - and there was a long list of activities. Because it was Easter weekend (and the fact we are pretty much the only people in their peer group with small children!!) the beach was the activity we could attend as a family. 

Roni is so important to our family, but especially to Cami. From the moment she heard about our impending adoption, she was captivated by this child. She has made room for Cami in her heart and in her life in a way that I have not seen anyone outside of family ever do for another's child. 

More amazing is how  God uniquely paired her with Cami. Long before we knew of Cami's artistic gift, God knew. In His amazing wisdom and perfect plan, He planted her into the heart of a woman who also loves art - and might be one of the smartest people around about art (www.ronifeinstein.com)

They have a deep affection for one another! 

The other amazing thing about Roni was her friends - the people who literally came from all over the world (Australia, Asia, Europe) to celebrate her. Not only did they show this affection for her, but they willingly welcomed our family into their circle - 

Bonus - Doug & I got to get dressed up and go out for one of the evening activities...grown ups only! 

We met Roni (and her husband Don!) through a work connection - a seemingly nice encounter at a lovely resort before our kids in 2007. A lovely couple that I expected we would run into at business functions. I had no idea how God was at work - setting up the story. 

God knew then the role that Roni would play seven years later in the life of our daughter. A daughter that we had no idea would ever be a part of our family then. God was already laying the foundation for her - giving her a mentor and a counselor and friend extraordinaire! 

How awesome is that!!!  

While we wait.....

I have to admit - the waiting this time around is different. Sometimes it is harder knowing all that our little darling has been through in the past months. We know her situation - we get verifiable and reliable updates on her state of mind...and sometimes it hurts to not be able to scoop her up and make her hurts go away.

Sometimes is isn't necessarily easier - it's just easier on my mind knowing that someone is checking in on her and holding her and passing along our love on a regular basis (and occasionally giving us special glimpses of her!) 

Practically, while we wait, we get ready. We are getting the rooming assignments re-arranged and moving and shuffling so we can fit four girls where three formerly resided! 

We are also getting ready by learning about her diagnosis. Williams Syndrome is often described as "extraordinary gifts, unique challenges". We have learned that we won't know much till she gets home and acclimated and we have her evaluated. 

In the interim, we are earning about Williams Syndrome as a family,and May is "Williams Syndrome Awareness" month. We were blessed and were able to participate in a local walk where there were about 35 families from San Diego and Orange County who love someone with WS. 

One of the identifying traits of WS is that those affected have open and accepting personalities. They love people - and love being around people. Katie loved the environment and she fit in so well. 

Becky and Cami had the opportunity to talk to some older kids with WS, and the sister of one of the boys spent a lot of time talking to them. It was great for them to be able to connect with kids; this young lady was also an adoptee so there was a double bond. 

 And so we wait. Life moved forward, and we wait - trusting in God's perfect timing. That He - and He alone - knows the exact timing of this journey. Our job is to not waste this time - but to stay in the moment and prepare our house and our minds but most importantly to prepare our hearts. 

We are ready sweet girl.....

Happy Birthday Baby!

May brings with it a lot of acitvities since school ends in May, but one of the biggest is Cami's birthday. She had decided that the only way to celebrate turning 12 was a slumber party with the girls from her class (all 10 of them). 

I decided we definitely needed a different plan - since our house is simply not that big (nor is our reserve of patience!) 

Enter the enticement of a day with your best friend at Disneyland...and done! We were able to schedule it for a few weeks before her birthday since spring break was so late this year....

 We covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time - but they had a BLAST! 

 Made even more fun by running into a classmate! 

We made her actual birthday day special beginning with offering her whatever she wanted for breakfast - and she choose an artichoke. 

I don't even know what to say about that. 

At school we celebrated with cake and ice cream - so she did get to have some "girl party time" for her day (just not all of them all night in my house!) 

 The a little celebration at home that night! 

(please don't notice that my children's hair is wet and uncombed - while this looks as if I am just trying to get pictures done for the record, it's not...really, it's not.....) 

It was a fun time celebrating Cami - as she turns 12, more and more she is becoming an astute young woman with a mind of her own, a sharp wit and a heart for God and her family. We couldn't be more proud of who she is and who she is becoming! 

Dear Becky

Dear Becky,

6 years ago today, you made me a mom. In a room full of emotions and crying babies and crying momma's (crying for different reasons) - I became a mom. 

It's what I always tell you when you struggle with "being the littlest"..that you were the one that made me a mom first. You had and have a BIG job. 

You and I have navigated a lot of mothering these past 6 years - you learning how to be a daughter and me learning how to be a mom. 

I have made a mistake or a hundred - and you have suffered through them. You have struggled to accept that you are worthy of a mother's love - and I have suffered through that. 

Because I see how wonderfully and fearfully God created you. 

Because I know how very worthy you are of love. 

It's not lost on me that me being a mother comes at a great sacrifice to another mother somewhere. I never forget that you were another's daughter first - and that there is great loss there for you in this my journey of motherhood. This journey of great sorrows but also great joy in that God restores and redeems what is broken in our worlds and takes a childless mother and places a motherless child in her arms. 

 

We have come so very far from that room in Guangzhou. I can't wait to see where else God will take us on this journey of me being your mom and you being my daughter. 

My precious daughter who made me a mother - 

So you think you want to be a therapeutic parent?

I belong to several groups that are about trauma parenting. Over the past few years, there has been a shift from what most call "traditional parenting" - which (very simply put) is parenting you child with the goals of achieving your preferred behaviors while eliminating "unacceptable behaviors" , and therapeutic parenting - which is parenting your child with the goal of healing the hurts of their trauma to then effect changes in their behaviors which stem from their traumas.

For us - we had "traditionally parented" our first children with relative success. We tried it with our children from trauma background - and it was a dismal failure. The more we tried to control them, to manage their behaviors, the more out of control the children and the parents became. 

We needed a change - and found therapeutic parenting. 

It was life changing.

It was the hardest thing we have ever done. 

It's working.

I encounter many parents who want to change the outcomes in their homes and "therapeutic parent". Before you undertake this endeavor, I wanted to share with you (from a look back perspective) what I believe it takes to be a therapeutic parent. It's an "all or nothing" proposition. If you adopt "some" things, but don't change your underlying philosophy, to be honest it's probably only going to make it worse - because your child will be confused and your approach is manipulative (intended to only change behavior) - not healing. 

There is probably more to this list, but what we have experienced and from what I have seen in other successful homes-these are some basic commitments therapeutic parents make-

• Be prepared to change the way you parent 180 degrees. I mean really, really prepared. Talk to your spouse. Role play. Pray - and then pray some more! Understand everything is going to change - and be ok with that.  

• Be willing to face and really heal any hurts or trauma from your childhood. I'm not talking about your rational adult brain looking back and explaining it away or forgiving your offender or rationalizing bad behavior. I am talking about reaching deep inside yourself and healing the hurt 2 or 3 or 7 or 10 year old child inside you. Your child's trauma will trigger your "stuff". This will be hard and uncomfortable.

• Eliminate the words "control" and manipulate" entirely from your vocabulary. Seriously - put a jar on your desk and fine yourself $1 for every time you write, speak or even think these words. Control and manipulate have very negative connotations - and that will set your frame of mind in a negative manner. Instead, replace it with "survive". Your brain has automatic compassion for survival issues. Your child is not trying to control you - their small brains don't work that way. They are trying to survive. It might not look that a "survival" issue to you - but it is to them. (a side note here - there is amazing work being done by a wonderful Christian therapist in Texas in connection parenting - but I can't recommend her or attend her seminars because she continues to use these words - and they simply grate on my last nerve). 

• Be willing, able and ready to abandon artificial consequences or punishments for a while. They don't heal a child. Not forever - just for now. 

• Train yourself up to ignore behavior, offensive language and what appears to be disrespectful tongues. Be a duck (or an otter) and let them roll off your back - and see beyond the words to the feelings that are driving the words. Not forever- just for now.

• Be ok with being late and undone homework and cancelled appointments. You will need to always, always, always put your relationship with your child above EVERYTHING else (except your relationship with your spouse). It takes time to heal - and often a child will be triggered by an event - and that's the time you can heal. Again - not forever, just for now.

• Be willing to endure criticism - especially from those you know the best. Understand that most people - including your pastor and church friends - will not understand why you have seemingly abandoned the "spare the rod and spoil the child" approach. My answer to them is this - "The command to "control" your children's behavior is not in the bible. Jesus came into the situation and healed the hurt before He ever addressed the behaviors - that is what we are doing with our child." I had a leader in the field tell me pastors were her hardest challenge to teach therapeutic parenting to because of their fears of raising undisciplined children. 

• Be ready to learn about the brain. A lot about the brain. The science of what your child is experiencing is real and it's important and the more you know and understand how their brain is firing - or misfiring - the more effective you can be.

• Don't ignore the spiritual battle for your child that is going on within your home. Your child is a precious child of God - and there is a very real presence that would love to squash that reality for them. 

• Know that it's a journey of healing - and will take far longer than a few days, weeks months and years for healing of the damage that your child suffered. There will be set backs and regressions - always - but if there is underlying healing, they will be further and further apart and less intense. Effective therapeutic parenting knows that they will always be setbacks, but we can help our children learn to cope with them. 

Therapeutic parenting is not a parenting technique of "to-do's" from a book. It is a way of life - and requires a lot of effort - especially in the beginning. It will look and feel different. It is hard and challenging. 

It is also the most effective, most "Jesus-like" approach to parenting you can have. It transcends trauma kids as well - addressing the powerful feelings behind poor behavior and soothing those feelings can yield far great behavior changes than punishments and consequences. 

We have done it. We have moved from "survive" to "thrive" through therapeutic parenting. Just as Jesus has healed our hurts and given us new life, so we are working on that for our children. 

NOTE - if there are behaviors that are physically unsafe for your family or your child, you need professional intervention from a trained therapeutic professional. This DOES NOT mean allowing people to be unsafe or in danger in the home. Ever. No one get hurts. Ever. 

How He Loves Us

Eater came and went around here with little fanfare. As my walk with Jesus evolves, I struggle more and more every year with the "commercial" aspect of these holy days. It seems to me that everyone in the world loves having Christmas Day off - but won't talk about the REASON for Christmas. Love the eggs and the chocolate, but HOW come Easter exists? 

Anyway - our school does a wonderful job and driving home the reasons we celebrate, with just enough fun. The first graders had a cute little party - complete with bunny masks, which if you look closely, many are decorated with the cross! It works! 

 The days preceding Easter are always a little hard for me - as I remember what Jesus did and what He was facing. For me. For my children. One of the things that is especially meaningful to me is that the Last Supper was actually the Passover Seder. 

This year, our new friend Janice and her daughter Hope came over for dinner on Thursday night and we celebrated a Passover Seder - as believers in Jesus. It was amazing. The kids did really, really well through it - and I think it had impact for them.

 We were privileged to be able to share it with Katie's ABA therapist and our lovely babysitter Lauren. I love when we expand our circle. 

We ate the meal that Jesus ate and we prayed the prayers that He did (albeit an abbreviated form because of the small attendees. The enormity of the following 24 hours for Jesus weighs even heavier after going through the holiness of the Passover Seder. Because He loves us. 

Oh - How He Loves us. 

Solid Rock Cafe!

I am definitely NOT the most organized mom in the class. Case in point, I haven't even started thinking about the costume for the book report that I believe is dues tomorrow.

So when we have anything "themed" that the girls have to dress for - I am always in a last minute panic and this year's spring musical was no exception! The theme was "50's dress. Cami came home and the conversation went like this;

Cami: "Mom - we have to dress like we are 50"

Me: 'Don't you mean dress like the 50's"?"

Cami: "no - dress like we are 50"

Me: "Ok(a bit sarcastic)- just borrow something of mine - I'm in my 50's"

Cami: "No (said indignantly)- you are 52 - that's no 50 and it won't work!" 

Once I cleared up that it was indeed "from the 50's" - the search was on and thanks to Facebook and some resourceful friends - we soon had two little 50's girls! 

 One of our most favorite things about our amazing school is the "arts" program. The entire school is involved in the Christmas production and the spring musical. It is truly all inclusive - and always Christ centered. Neither of my girls might otherwise do drama productions or music, but these two events ensure that they will have exposure to the arts and that will help them to cultivate an appreciation and love for them as they grow. 

 Not sure what exactly was going on here - and apparently Becky's friend Gavin has some doubts as well! 

 Cami got to have a scripture reading during the play - which was pretty cool! 

It was an awesome evening - I continue to be amazed at my girls - how they are growing and how they step out! 

Field Trip!!!!

Apparently, 4th grade is the year when you learn your state's history (it's been a looong time since I've been in 4th grade, so this was a bit of a surprise to me!) Part of this learning experience is a three day field trip to Sacramento. 

16 kids, 14 parents, two teachers...and away we went! We started off in the middle of the night (ok - 5 am really, but it felt like the middle of the night!) loaded the bus and drove for 8 hours. 

(as an aside, my experiences on bus trips involved Chinese guides, Chinese drivers, many freaked out little orphans and exhausted new parents - and that was easier than 8 hours with 16 fourth grades on the most uncomfortable bus on the planet!) 

We started at Marshall State Park - where the discovery of gold took place. It was a great first stop after being cooped up on the bus - and it was stunningly beautiful - and green! Our southern California kids were amazed by how green it was and all the trees! 

 The highlight of this stop was that the kids got to pan for gold - and everyone got at least a few flakes! 

The next day we went to Sutter Fort and then the California Railroad Museum - which was a very cool place! Even if you have no interest in railroads, this is a "don't miss" place! 

 And while Cami liked all the sites, she REALLY liked the time with her friends! 

 This has to be the biggest train ever on the planet.....

 Cami's favorite place on the trip was by far the art museum. It was unfortunately at the end of the second, very very long day - but for Cami, it was like coming home. 

I have to say although I was a very reluctant participant, I actually enjoyed this trip. There was too much packed into too short of a time, and we could live without the 8 hour bus ride (Cami and I actually flew home to avoid the 8 hour trip home!) - it was a great experience for my child - and at the end of the day, that's what mattered!