I belong to several groups that are about trauma parenting. Over the past few years, there has been a shift from what most call "traditional parenting" - which (very simply put) is parenting you child with the goals of achieving your preferred behaviors while eliminating "unacceptable behaviors" , and therapeutic parenting - which is parenting your child with the goal of healing the hurts of their trauma to then effect changes in their behaviors which stem from their traumas.
For us - we had "traditionally parented" our first children with relative success. We tried it with our children from trauma background - and it was a dismal failure. The more we tried to control them, to manage their behaviors, the more out of control the children and the parents became.
We needed a change - and found therapeutic parenting.
It was life changing.
It was the hardest thing we have ever done.
It's working.
I encounter many parents who want to change the outcomes in their homes and "therapeutic parent". Before you undertake this endeavor, I wanted to share with you (from a look back perspective) what I believe it takes to be a therapeutic parent. It's an "all or nothing" proposition. If you adopt "some" things, but don't change your underlying philosophy, to be honest it's probably only going to make it worse - because your child will be confused and your approach is manipulative (intended to only change behavior) - not healing.
There is probably more to this list, but what we have experienced and from what I have seen in other successful homes-these are some basic commitments therapeutic parents make-
- Be prepared to change the way you parent 180 degrees. I mean really, really prepared. Talk to your spouse. Role play. Pray - and then pray some more! Understand everything is going to change - and be ok with that.
- Be willing to face and really heal any hurts or trauma from your childhood. I'm not talking about your rational adult brain looking back and explaining it away or forgiving your offender or rationalizing bad behavior. I am talking about reaching deep inside yourself and healing the hurt 2 or 3 or 7 or 10 year old child inside you. Your child's trauma will trigger your "stuff". This will be hard and uncomfortable.
- Eliminate the words "control" and manipulate" entirely from your vocabulary. Seriously - put a jar on your desk and fine yourself $1 for every time you write, speak or even think these words. Control and manipulate have very negative connotations - and that will set your frame of mind in a negative manner. Instead, replace it with "survive". Your brain has automatic compassion for survival issues. Your child is not trying to control you - their small brains don't work that way. They are trying to survive. It might not look that a "survival" issue to you - but it is to them. (a side note here - there is amazing work being done by a wonderful Christian therapist in Texas in connection parenting - but I can't recommend her or attend her seminars because she continues to use these words - and they simply grate on my last nerve).
- Be willing, able and ready to abandon artificial consequences or punishments for a while. They don't heal a child. Not forever - just for now.
- Train yourself up to ignore behavior, offensive language and what appears to be disrespectful tongues. Be a duck (or an otter) and let them roll off your back - and see beyond the words to the feelings that are driving the words. Not forever- just for now.
- Be ok with being late and undone homework and cancelled appointments. You will need to always, always, always put your relationship with your child above EVERYTHING else (except your relationship with your spouse). It takes time to heal - and often a child will be triggered by an event - and that's the time you can heal. Again - not forever, just for now.
- Be willing to endure criticism - especially from those you know the best. Understand that most people - including your pastor and church friends - will not understand why you have seemingly abandoned the "spare the rod and spoil the child" approach. My answer to them is this - "The command to "control" your children's behavior is not in the bible. Jesus came into the situation and healed the hurt before He ever addressed the behaviors - that is what we are doing with our child." I had a leader in the field tell me pastors were her hardest challenge to teach therapeutic parenting to because of their fears of raising undisciplined children.
- Be ready to learn about the brain. A lot about the brain. The science of what your child is experiencing is real and it's important and the more you know and understand how their brain is firing - or misfiring - the more effective you can be.
- Don't ignore the spiritual battle for your child that is going on within your home. Your child is a precious child of God - and there is a very real presence that would love to squash that reality for them.
- Know that it's a journey of healing - and will take far longer than a few days, weeks months and years for healing of the damage that your child suffered. There will be set backs and regressions - always - but if there is underlying healing, they will be further and further apart and less intense. Effective therapeutic parenting knows that they will always be setbacks, but we can help our children learn to cope with them.
Therapeutic parenting is not a parenting technique of "to-do's" from a book. It is a way of life - and requires a lot of effort - especially in the beginning. It will look and feel different. It is hard and challenging.
It is also the most effective, most "Jesus-like" approach to parenting you can have. It transcends trauma kids as well - addressing the powerful feelings behind poor behavior and soothing those feelings can yield far great behavior changes than punishments and consequences.
We have done it. We have moved from "survive" to "thrive" through therapeutic parenting. Just as Jesus has healed our hurts and given us new life, so we are working on that for our children.
NOTE - if there are behaviors that are physically unsafe for your family or your child, you need professional intervention from a trained therapeutic professional. This DOES NOT mean allowing people to be unsafe or in danger in the home. Ever. No one get hurts. Ever.
Hi there. I was wondering do your children notice the different styles? Like, for example does one child wonder why another may seem to be "getting away" with behaviour while they don't? I think these styles are very interesting, they aren't really talked about/done where i live. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteOur bio kids are older, so we ever personally had two different styles going on in the same house. Two things on this 1) Bio kids can benefit from this type of parenting as well. If my bio kid is misbehaving, let't try to figure out the "why". 2) Trauma kids don't necessarily "get away" with bad behavior - we just don't necessarily address it while it is happening. We regulate them first - get them back into "logical" thinking mode - then talk about it and figure out a plan for them to have a different response next time. Sometimes there might be a natural consequence (we missed the event because of a meltdown) - and that's ok.
DeleteCould you share any books or info. Really need this.
ReplyDeleteThanks, M.
My favorite is "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" by Heather Forbes - and all things by her.
DeleteHi Karen, it's Debi S. In Montana. I've been following your blogs about Cami since Day 1. You are one amazing woman...and family. Thank you for allowing me to watch over her from afar. I know that someday we will meet, when God knows the time is right. I have had my own struggles with trauma over the past few years so I "get" a tiny bit of what you are going through. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteHi Karen, it's Debi S. I have been following your blog and watching Cami's life evolve since you brought her home. I know that someday, when God wants it to happen, we will meet. I have been dealing with trauma issues for quite now, but what you are doing with your family is an amazing act of courage and grace. Thank you, and thank God for you! Much love, Debi
ReplyDeleteoutstanding
ReplyDeleteNo, just no. There is zero actual, scientific evidence to suggest that the BCLC or "therapeutic parenting approach" actually works and a HUGE number of adoptive parents who call themselves "trauma mamas" who subscribe to it. Those would be the adoptive mommies whose kids are HORRIFICALLY BADLY BEHAVED years and years after they've been adopted, learned English, etc.
ReplyDeleteHeck, just the underlying logic behind "TP" makes no sense, as it assumes (1) a traumatized kid is too scared / stuck in flight-flight to think and (2) that very same kid is somehow capable of being a super-manipulator of adults, "triangulating" other adults against amommy and adaddy.
At a minimum, a kid who wants to manipulates needs to (1) figure out what the adult wants, (2) figure out what she wants the adult to do instead, (3) figure out what action will make the grownup do 2 instead of 1.
Hi Kasey - thanks for your interest in this subject! I am always open to dialogue and love learning so I would love to hear more about your experiences with therapeutic parenting and your education in the area.
DeleteWow Kasey, your comment is really judgemental. I'm an adoptive momma who has used a parenting style that is similar to what Karen is describing and four years in, no one would call my son (adopted at age 7) "horrifically bad behaved." This style parenting has worked beautifully with him. When he first came home, he had lots of negative, fear-based behaviors, and I promise you that today they are gone. And in the process he has become deeply attached and secure in our family. There is no magic timeline and it almost always takes longer than people on the outside think it should, but this type parenting has worked for many adopted kids.
DeleteAfter trying a more traditional parenting style and having it fail miserably, we use a parenting style that is similar to what is described in this blog post. Our daughter has been home for three years from China and is a well-adjusted, happy girl who is a ray of sunshine. She has her off days like any other child, but responds extremely well to this parenting style. Our biological children have also benefited. I cannot speak for others, but our family is living proof that this parenting style works. And it works well.
DeleteMy child came home 3 1/2 years ago. Until we began therapeutic parenting, our lives were a living hell. Our child was upset and raging more days a week than he wasn't. Thankfully, I met a group of "Trauma Mamas" who taught me a different approach to this whole parenting thing. Not only do I know scores of people who use therapeutic parenting and their kids are doing SO much better, but mine is as well. No he is not a perfect child, he is far from it and on some days his behavior is horrendous. But most days, he does great. If you are expecting a quick fix or complete compliance, no therapeutic parenting is not going to give you those things. Those of us who have had success have been willing to stick with it and see the progress it brings over months (or years). In addition, we see the healing come in waves or peel off in layers and we recognize that during times of great stress, our kids will regress and that is ok. And no matter how hard we want it or how hard we try, we know that our kids will always carry the effects of their trauma with them. Expecting them to wake up one day and be done with it, just isn't logical.
DeleteKasey -
DeletePart of me gets your concern, really I do. I was a pretty experienced mother when we brought home our first adopted son. My first five children were (still are) incredibly well behaved. I knew what I was doing and I did it well. At least I thought I did because it had worked with my first five emotionally healthy children.
And then came my son. Unbeknownst to us, he had been abused and that coupled with multiple placements in his first three years equaled a three year old who was very difficult to parent. He raged and raged and my husband and I tried every parenting trick in our repertoire. While his behavior become somewhat manageable over the ensuing years it always felt like we were living with a ticking time bomb and never knew when the next explosion would occur.
And then came pre-adolescence. We faced behavior and long-ranging consequences for unresolved trauma and fear on a level we could not have even imagined. I do not wish having to call 911 on an emotionally out-of-control child on any parent. And this was with us doing everything 'right'. At least right in terms of traditional parenting.
We were desperate and turned to a completely different parenting style; one that I would have degraded in my less experienced parenting years. But, it's working. (Along with some significant therapy.) I have a son who is more loving, more in tune with his emotions, more stable. I don't always feel as though the time bomb is armed. It is a relief for the whole family.
And just to clarify. If we were out in public, even during the most tumultuous time, my son was quite well-behaved. You would not have been able to point out any complaints in his behavior. Just remember, you don't always know what is going on with someone and a large dose of grace is never misplaced.
Hi Kasey,
DeleteIt may be true that "therapeutic parenting" is not "scientifically based," meaning: it's possible the evidence has not been tracked, recorded, and published in a medical journal--yet.
However, therapeutic parenting is based on the simple fact that there is an emotional response to stress in the same way one has a physical response to stress. Furthermore [and the part you would likely argue] the stress response impacts behavior. [I'm sure you've read studies about how stress affects food choices---of grown adults].
Let me simplify TP (as you call it): As parents, we get to know our children and understand what causes them stress by watching their behavior. We then find ways to help them feel safer so that they are less stressed and can "behave." As time goes by, they need less scaffolding to "behave," because they trust us and are generally less afraid.
My children have been home three years and are very well behaved. Even better, they trust me to do what's best for them and I enjoy watching them learn and grow (not to mention they know it)!
I'm sure we'll be seeing each other around, as it looks like we follow the same blogs. I wish you the best, Kasey!
Therapeutic parenting is compassionate, understanding, focused, and purposeful parenting over controlling and dominating parenting. There should never be a question when a parent chooses to show healing love over physical punishment with any of their children, but most especially one that has experienced trauma.
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