God in the "never" - the Finale (I hope)

When we share our burdens, the body can lighten them.

I have witnessed that (again) first hand in this season of "never"...

I am a proud person - proud of my competency, my strength, my ability to "handle" it all. (notice there's not a lot of "Him" there - although I profess to give Him the credit all the time....) so being vulnerable and sharing brokenness simply is not my best thing. 

But every time I do, I am reminded that is exactly what God want me to do. 

We "Jesus lovers" feel like when adversity or tragedy strikes us, we have to put on our "Godly mask of faith and ain't life grand because God is in this awfulness" instead of being open and vulnerable that, quite frankly, life is hard and ugly right now and I don't understand what the heck God is doing. 

We do a tremendous disservice to God when we do that.

We limit the size of His canvas for painting a truly beautiful picture of the body of Christ walking together in a world full of brokenness. For the world to see. 

If the world sees people who deny the depth of the brokenness, how will they ever understand the breadth of the salvation and the eternal hope? If all the world sees is a God who "allows" these hurts but doesn't acknowledge the deep pain caused by them, have we painted an accurate picture of a compassionate God who literally experienced all the pain a broken and sinful world causes? 

Look at your pastor's wife who lost her baby, but is walking around with a smile on her face. Be a safe place for her to cry out at the injustice of it. The pain. The loss. The heartache.

See the bible study leader whose children have all moved away and let her know that you will think no less of her if she is angry at her empty nest. That it doesn't make her less of a leader or her faith less strong.

To the ministry leader who is struggling because the expenses exceed the revenue and she is fearful of what that means, offer your shoulders to help her carry that burden. Allow your space to be a space that she can share her fears. 

We need to be vulnerable in order for others to be vulnerable with us. When my friend opens the door and sees me standing there with tears running down my face - I have given her permission to enter in and show me the love and faithfulness of God. He shines through - because I have taken down the wall. (and let me tell you - we are talking ugly cry here...red nose, snot - the works) 

We as believers must acknowledge the pain of living in this world in order that the world can see the only balm and lasting comfort lies in a Savior who offers eternal hope. That is the Savior we want to represent well. 

God in the "Never" - the Sequel

We draw a line. 

God moves it. 

We re-draw it and He moves it again. 

We are Israel - not learning and having to re-learn over and over again that God is ALWAYS faithful. Not sometimes. Not when it's convenient. But Always. 

Yesterday - our "never" heartbreak. 

Last night - our "never" blessings.

No - the kids aren't back. We honestly don't know what is happening with them. We don't know if we will see them again. We don't know.  And that is abundantly hard -and we rest in the only thing we can right now: God knows, He protects. 

Our blessing came in the form of His hands and heart uniting in ours to comfort and walk this with us. 

Within an hour of me  sharing our heartache - 

a knock at the door

a text from a neighbor

a FB message from a new friend

These simple but powerful reminders of His holy and perfect faithfulness. 

His blessings. Through the thunderstorms. 

His abundant faithfulness that we are reminded of through our "never"

"Let us hold fast the confessions of our hope without wavering;for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

God in the "Never"

 Writing becomes an outlet for me when life is the hardest. 

It must be something super hard to send me back to the keyboard after 5 months. 

Since Doug and I first started this adoption journey, there have been some "nevers" for us. Things that we felt were beyond our capacity. 

First -we would never adopt. 

Then, we would never adopt special needs. 

Then we would never adopt an older child. 

Never an older child with special needs. 

After our last adoption, we finally figured out that God was really not interested in our "never's. So we stopped actually verbalizing them.  But they were still there. The unspoken, unwritten "never'. (you know - the one you are thinking of right now...)

The past two and a half months, we have been involved in a suto-foster care situation for a friend of a friend. Foster care was always a "never" for us. Something we couldn' t do. But no one told that to the baby and his siblings and his mom who needed us. 

This precious child came into our home and hearts in the beginning of November at 4 weeks old. His older sister and brother joined him in December. 

They left today - unexpectedly and under very ugly and uncomfortable circumstances. 

The hardest.thing.ever. 

Our hearts have been shattered by the depths of the brokenness our family has seen in another family. We have been absolutely stunned at the failure of the system designed to support children instead be used to put them in harms way before it can help them. The tears flow unabashed today as pieces of our heart are literally missing. 

Today - as I worked through this with our kids, though, I was reminded of truths.  The truth that going to church on Sunday and posting scriptures on Facebook, and doing our bibles studies - while all important - are the easy part of being a follower of Jesus. 

Entering into the brokenness of humanity is much harder. Because not only is it so painful, it also points out our own sinfulness in ways that just studying about them can not. Walking into brokenness that is still broken when you walk out can make you feel so worthless. But God.

But God is always in the never. And nothing is ever worthless or wasted in His economy.

Through these last months, I have been at my weakest - and He has provided strength through people. Through other Jesus lovers who have cooked for me, and watched the kids, and shuttled other kids around, and found a place in a preschool, and given me GRACE for tasks not done. He has met my needs. 

He met the needs of the children through us - and while I may have to wait till the other side of this life to understand, I am standing firm in His truths. He is faithful and He is good. 

All praises, honor and glory to Him forever and ever - most especially in the hardest thing ever. 

(please pass the tissues though.....) 

Best Friends

Today is "national best friend day" (who knew - thanks Facebook for keeping me apprised of such moments holidays!)

The past few months I have been pondering about this "friendship" relationship - and this "holiday" has given me the perfect opportunity to pull all those random thoughts together.

Is a best friend the one whom you've only known for a year, but gives you a large, healthy and undeserved amount of grace and forgiveness when you really screw up and cause them trouble in the process?

Is a best friend the one that you can text anytime with totally irrational and un-godly thoughts - and she will immediately respond with exactly the right scripture? 

Is a best friend the one who after 7 years of "we have to get together" (and never do) when you do, she showers you with hugs and its like not a day has passed? 

Is a best friend the one whom you have known forever and walked through SO much "life ugly" with, but when it gets up close personal, her pain and her stuff makes her walk away and reject you?

Is a best friend the one who says " I have no idea what it's like to raise kids like yours, but I promise to stick with you and pray for you and be there for you"...and then she is?

Is a best friend the one who Is a best friend the one that you haven't talked to in months then you get a text that says "I am praying for you this morning for peace" - when she doesn't even know what a mess the week has been? 

Yes.

To all of them.

Even to the ones who walk away.

The definition of best:

" of the most excellent, effective, or desirable type or quality."

The synonyms of best:

 "finest, greatest, top. foremost. leading, preeminent. premier, prime, first, chief, principal, supreme, of the highest quality, superlative, par excellence, unrivaled, second to none, without equal, nonpareil. unsurpassed, peerless, matchless. unparalleled, unbeaten, optimum, ultimate, incomparable, ideal; 

Nowhere in the language of best is the word "only" or "exclusive. I am blessed to have so many "best friends". 

I have thought about this a lot over the past two months because in the space of only a few days - I had a new friend offer me amazing grace and forgiveness in the face of a major mistake on my part. I blew it - and in the process caused her embarrassment and trouble in her work place. 

I also had an incident with my oldest and dearest friend where we both hurt one another and made mistakes. My apologies and attempts at reconciliation have been met with silence; her apologies absent in the hole that was our relationship. She has walked away - maybe for a season, maybe forever. 

But yes - these are both best friends. 

My first friend offered my unparalleled forgiveness and grace. 

My second friend holds an unrivaled and matchless role in my history. There will never, ever be anyone who can take the place of someone who has walked through so much of my life so intimately with me. 

Best friends come in all forms - and shapes and sizes and ages and seasons. It's not about how much time you spend with your friend. Its not about if they call or write all the time. Its not about any of that. 

It's about who is without equal in my life. 

So to ALL my best friends - those who are in my life, who were in my life and to whom I have yet to meet - thank you for being best! 

Camp Nugget - 2015

Katie's favorite time of year is Camp Nugget - an adaptive PE camp hosted every year at Cal State Long Beach. Yes three hours a day for four weeks when she gets to be a "typical" kid! 

She had a great year this year - and made hue improvements. This picture may not show much to the untrained eye, but to those who have known Katie, the ability to sit in an assembly by herself is a huge achievement! 

The kids get an award - and Katie's was for regulation - as in "if you aren't regulated and following directions, Katie will help you!"

She had the most amazing counselors again this year - and in three weeks, I only got 1 phone call from them. Compared to last year (one a day and needing a one to one for the second half of camp!) this was a HUGE improvement! 

For most kids, only one call would be not so great.

Because we are "that" family - it is cause for a huge celebration! 

Progress - those baby steps that God reveals to show us we are moving in His direction! 

Summertime Scenes

Swim party dates! 

 4th of July

Annual Neighborhood Soiree 

 Dinner Dates

 Dining al fresco

 Church Friends

 Art Camp

 Donuts with mom! 

all in all....a pretty good summer so far!!!! 

Next stop - San Diego and summer vacation with the big kids and the grand kids! 

More Beautiful than the next

(warning - this is another post with a lot of pictures....the really good ones are towards the end!) 

We proved true the old adage "save the best for last" with our last stop on the 19 days odyssey - Zion National Park. What we know about it mostly is this - every view is more spectacular than the last. God surely did some of His very best work here....

 .....and here.....

 ...and here.....

 It was SO hot - there were people on the other side of the bridge soaking their feet and hats and bodies in this stream

The best views of the day, however, included these faces! 

 Katie - my world FULL of joy girl!!! Nothing stops her from fully living life - not even 100 degree heat! 

 Dad was dressed for the hike....he claimed it was my fault (but I am sure I told him we would be walking around)

 Yes - this is Zion. 

 We took the short hike to the upper falls views - Katie would have kept going...the rest of us...not so much! 

 Under the water fall - which was awesome

Refreshments afterwards were welcomed! 

 On the bus headed back - we survived and enjoyed! 

One more "for sure" came out of the day - we know that 4 hours isn;t enough time and that we will be back (but not at the end of June when it's 100+ outside!) 

7 hours later - we were home. 

It was overall and excellent time.