Worth it and What If

I miss my family. A lot. My parents and my sister and her kids and my best friends and my daughter and my grand babies. We have been incredibly blessed with neighbors who have become family these past 8 months and I am forever grateful - but I miss my family. 

There's a lot of news lately about the Covid-19 vaccine - from all over and every perspective. I discovered yesterday that I will actually qualify to be in the second phase of people offered the vaccine in California because I am a designated caregiver for a child with special needs. My husband said "but you won't get it right away" - because frankly I am vaccine adverse. I never get the flu vaccination. My teen girls will not get the HPV vaccination. My little one is on a delayed schedule. 

Doug is wrong. I will get this vaccination as soon as I can. 

Because time with my parents is not as long as it used to be 

Because this girl hasn't had a hug from her mom since March

Because I NEED to hold this peanut and not be afraid of infecting her

Because if that's what it takes for Germany to let me in to hug them - then so be it

We have the "what if" test here during Covid - "what if" we saw these dear ones and infected them? Could we live with that - especailly not knowing how this virus affects babies and especially knowing how it DOES effect 81 year old men? 

So - because of the what if - sign me up. Because they are worth it. 

(and please - don't pray for me because I am "taking the mark of the beast" , and pass on sending me the articles about the risks of vaccines. I am a REALLY smart and God fearing person - who does her research, learns what I can, listen to real doctors and prays...) 

290 Days

That’s  how many days I have been in this dance with cancer.  A nice round number. In that time....

1 surgery 

14 Chemo treatments 

24 blood draws

20 radiation sessions

3 ER visits 

2 hospital stays

290 days of unemployment

157 days of pandemic stay at home 

3 students distance learning 

That is a long list of ugly numbers 

But there are other numbers

130 Thank you notes sent - each one representing an act of kidness bestowed upon our family

150 meals provided for my family

100 rides to & from school for my kids

19,414 miles traveled by various out of state visitors to come see me 

48 rides from friends with amazing conversations

20 packages faithfully mailed - one a week 

a million prayers lifted up to God on our behalf

We have had so very many other blessings...

an amazing surgical team (seriously - I love these women; they are my heros and I want to hang out with them they are that awesome)

cute haircuts while I still had hair! 

visits from a friend to help me wig shop (a wig I never, ever wore!) 

miraculous medical poison designed to save my life 

a well rounded head (thanks mom for rotating me often as a newborn!) 

my husband - who has been everything from my barber to my bather to "Mr. Mom" to anything I asked or needed. I have no idea how we would have made it to this side without this amazing man 

fantastic neighbors who made sure that traditions of LOVE were upheld even though I was too sick to carry my weight or even eat

Friends who left their people to sit with me and cook for me and love on me and bridge the loneliness gap 

Mud baths with on line friends who are now in real life GREAT friends! 

Forever friends who drop everything to come give you injections

Friends from long ago who encourage you to try something new (this was in May - haven't done anymore on it as of now....need help from creataive people!) 

Besties who come back to your 'hood after 4 years away - for the wrong reasons, but God knew we would need to be here, together, right now for the same reason 

One helluva amazing oncologist - who put up with lots of whining and fussing and complaining and griping 

My kids - who went through their own special hell during all this - they were amazing troopers! Not bad enough your mom has cancer, but then to have to go into quarantine - they did amazing! 

Being together again safely to celebrate and laugh and just be together! 

A friend who make multiple trips to help and cook and tended to my people 

Celebrating milestone in treatment with my neigborhood "Wine Wednesday" friends - how blessed that our neighbors are more than neighbors 

Inspiration for a new business venture 

The smiling valet lady and the sweet traffic controller at the hospital - these two virtual strangers told me every time they saw me that they were praying for me

The "raddest" Rad tech's around. Every day for 20 days 

Today I finished. A 290 day marathon that I absolutely did not sign up for. I thought I hadn't trained for this marathon - but I did. Training was trusting God. Even when I was raging at Him for this - for the cancer and the Covid and the unemployment and the busted water heater and the weariness and the betrayals and the disappointments and ALL of it - I trusted. 

He is ALWAYS faitheful and He brought me to today. 

My dance with cancer isn't over. Until He calls me home, cancer will be a part of my life. It's part of my history - and it's part of my future. There will never be a time when an ache or a pain or a blood draw or a mammogram or a MRI won't make me think "it might be back". There will never be a time when I will be able to say "it's never coming back" with confidence. Cancer will always lurk somewhere in the shadows, fading with time, but never completely gone. That's ok - it's part of who I am now. 

But it won't define my future - not today, not tomorrow and even if it comes back - not then. There is only ONE author of my future - and His name is Jesus. 

Grown and Flown - but still mine

These kids. I mean adults....this picture makes me cry. Bucketsof tears. I feel so full of love and more love for these people. 

I didn’t birth any of them. I’ve know two of them for almost 20 years, one for 12 years and one for 5 short years. 

I don’t live with them, or even see them often. 

Yet they are Mine. They are my people. It's no accident that in this photo they are holding me up. They do that - these people that are mine. 

Someone told me a few years ago that I could never love Matt and Ashlee they way a biological parent loves their child. She is  a stupid woman with a narrow view of God. (Apparently I still have work to do on the “forgiving her” category....). I would walk in front of a bus for any of them - and there is nothing they could do that would make me stop loving them. That sounds like “biological” love to me! 

If I had birthed these people myself, I could not be prouder of who they are and what they are building. Families and ministries and legacies. 

For those who are looking ahead and mourning the launching of children - grown and flown doesn’t mean gone. They will always be yours in heart. 

A heart that is overwhelmed with love for these people - these people that are mine. 

What love looks like

While the cancer has brought with it fears and pain and bills and struggles and just general unpleasantness, more than all of that it has brought an outpouring of love for me. I get mail several times a week with notes or cards and often small tokens of thoughtfulness that let me know I am loved and thought of and prayed for. I have a big thank you post about those in the works. 

But I got a box Thursday that was “blow your mind, blow your sock off - this is what love looks like”. It left me sitting on the couch sobbing with gratitude and feeling so incredibly seen and loved. 

At first glance, you may be thinking “nice,  but blow your socks off?” In order to understand - I need to tell you about the senders of this box 

I have a friend I went to nursery school with - and sparing you the heavy math, that means I have known her for 54 years. I have another friend that I met in 9th grade - that’s 42 years. We all went to high school together. We have stayed in touch. One was instrumental in us bringing Cami home. They are friends that have pasted the decades of history on the fringes of highlighted life events. 

They were best friends in high school. They literally live in opposite corners of the country now and are both knitters. They call themselves the “Fiber Bees” and it is how they stay connected to each other and I think that is cool. They sent me the box - with this note: 

Karen,

Suzy and I have praying and wishing you a fast track back to 100% you! Suzy knit the cozy cowl and I did the prayer shawl and I prayed and sent good vibes on every knit and pearl. We have been knitting together a lot as the “Fiber Bees” so I sent along some of our swag and snacks too. We are thinking about you daily - love you sister! 

Megan and Suzy

AKA The Fiber Bees 

As I reflect on 40 years of knowing these two amazing ladies (from the cool crowd in high school - a group I was definitely not a part of!)  about how they sat on either side of the country and together, but apart, prayed for me, all I could think of was "this is what love looks like"

This is the most warm and softest shawl ever - and the cowl is a beautiful and silky and soft and  lovely colors. I feel the love. It feels so good! 

Cancer Lesson #1 - In Real Life

I keep wondering how cancer will change me, and I guess it’s just too soon too tell. 

But there is one thing that I have already learned that is a direct result of this cancer. I want more in real life” times with my friends. I want more face to face encounters and more get together and more "in real life" time together. 

I want to see you. And you. And you. And I want my girls to know that seeing you is important. That friendship is more than a text and a “like” on Facebook. That taking time to stop and say “hi” MATTERS!! We keep telling our kids to "get off their devices and be with their friends" - yet so often our friendships are reduced to keeping up with one another via Instagram and a text now and again. 

I want to put aside the busyness of business that doesn’t matter. I want to show people that when I say “I love you”, it means “I love you enough to make time for you”.  When you come 2500 miles closer to me, I will come the last 250 to you. Even if its just for a couple hours - because it's worth it. 

 

I want to gather friends together and fellowship over food. Sometimes fancy and sometimes a drink on the front porch - impromptu an casual.




Cancer lesson #1 - life is short an unexpected and goes by too fast. Take time for what matters.

Do life in Real Life. 

To My Daughters on Valentines Day

Dear girls, 

Today, your news feed will be flooded with grand gestures of love - flowers and dinners and romantic gestures that are surely Instagram worthy and #besthusbandever proclamations. 

Don’t buy the lie. 

Let me show what what real, lasting, #hasyourbacknomatterwhat love looks like 

It looks like a midwestern boy who prefers mashed potatoes and gravy over most foods trying something “exotic” (to him) that he pretty much hates because you had a rough final and needed some cheering up

It looks like a guy with no mechanical aptitude who goes to bed at 9 staying up till midnight by himself in a cold garage Christmas Eve so his special needs daughter had the only thing she wanted for Christmas on Christmas. 
As a note, it also looks like the dad who helps this special needs daughter with her pads when she has her periods. 

It looks like a guy stepping way outside what he knows doing something he doesn’t like because it needs to be done. It also looks like doing dishes and laundry. Without being asked. And cleaning up the dog poop, taking the trash out, vacuuming, and making beds because he’s part of the family and doesn’t expect you to do it -even though he also works all day outside the house while you have the luxury of staying home to be available for your kids. 
As a note, it also looks like the man who left the house at 6 am and got home at 7 pm every day, and then spent his Saturday's taking his kids to the zoo - just so his wife could have some alone time in the house. Every Saturday. For five years. His hobby is his kids. 

It looks like a man who lets you be the strong, sassy, stubborn, smart woman you are who takes care of yourself and everyone else - until you can’t and then he steps into that role along with all the other ones he fills and takes care of you and your people too. Girls - don't miss this one. 

Don’t settle for the social media definition of love that’s grand gestures of proposals worthy of you tube and designed to gather “likes” and “loves” by perfect strangers. It doesn’t hold up when life gets hard - and I promise you life will get hard. Find the guy who looks like your dad - with his warped sense of humor and inept attempts to parent teen girls who are alien creatures and short fuse for shoes left all over the house and sibling squabbling but has the heart of a man who seeks God first, loves his wife more than himself and who has sacrificed his life for his kids. 

Because my dear girls - that is true love. And it's celebrated every day in the little things.

Love - 

Your Mom  (who can not believe most days how lucky she is to have married your dad) 

Yes. Come.

Yes. Come. 

Those were the words I texted back in response to this message last night: 

Hey my friend. I want you to be completely honest with me right now. Several of us want to come see you....we considered surprising you, but felt you'd want to know. We would stay at a hotel. We could watchkids for you and Doug to get away, we would clean, cook, whisk you away, whatever would be best....

These are friends that live far away. That have busy lives with high needs kids. This would be a sacrifice of their time and their money and a strain on their families. I factored all that in for a fraction of a second - then said:

Yes. Come. 

We need community. We need "in real life" people to come. We need to admit that this is not a weakness or a flaw or a personal failure but a God ordained and created need. It's time to stop subsituting activities and schedules and social media for relationships - not for our sake, but for our children's. 

When I told my 12 year old daughter these ladies were coming she said "but mom - they are making a big deal and it's hard on their families". Yes dear - both of those are true. Cancer is a big deal. Divorce is a big deal. Disappointment and death and hurt are BIG DEALS! Yes, this will be hard on their kids for the days they are gone. 

I got to sit with my girl and explain to her that God created us to be in community and that sometimes, showing up and sitting matters. More than anything we need to not be alone in our pain and hardship. We need to be modeling this for our children. We need to be pointing them to "IRL" relationships instead of screen connections that aren't real - and maybe even dangerous. 

Yes. Come. 

We also need to recgonize that when we sit with someone in pain, when we show up, we are literally being the hands and feet of Christ. Jesus showed up. We need to show up - not just for an hour, but for the "long haul" of addiction, of disease, of prodigal children, of families separated, of racial injustice. Of Brokeness. 

Yes. Go. 

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

Author unknown

Yes. GO!