Pausing to reflect....

My daughter Katie has been home almost a year, and what a year it has been. This is a time, right now, to pause for a minute and take a breath and reflect. As I did this, my thoughts took a turn I did not expect. 

So many people look back on the first anniversary of meeting their child and the first thing they think about is how much that child has changed. If their adopted child was an infant, it's more "normal" changes - learning to walk and talk, growing and mastering, changing from an infant to a toddler. With older children, it's watching them learn english, learn to be in a family, learn to trust.

For me, when I look back on this past year, I think first of how much Katie has changed me. I think about how dependent I've become - on God and my husband. I can't be the best mom Katie deserves without Jesus every single day - molding me, taking away my impatient and angry reactions, energizing me when I am depleted and holding me up when I am weak. My husband is my knight in shining armor every night when her gets home; he rides in swoops up the small princesses and gives the queen mum a much needed breather. I could not do this without him. I know that in a profound and deep way I didn't know with Becky.

I think about the humility that I have developed because of this child. I used to think I had a pretty good handle on things. On everything. I was a pretty competent and intelligent person, and what I didn't know I could figure out fairly quickly. I could do it all, and then some. I found out pretty quickly that none of that is true. I am fallible and imperfect and there's a whole lot I don't know. Ouch. 

I think about how I have learned to separate the important things form the unimportant. Many days, I am lucky if I have time to brush my teeth and wash my face - so let's forget about actually writing thank you notes and returning phone calls "to just chat". When a child pulls her pants down to pee at the tree in the middle of a crowded park, I am just very grateful that she didn't pee in her pants. It's a little unimportant thing. 

I think about how much my friendships have meant as I navigate what it really means to be the mom of a child with developmental disabilities. The hardest thing I have done is try to parent this child - and those friends that give me grace every day are precious to me. Those that understand my child is not perfect, that I am not perfect and that love us through those times of trouble are a gift from God - and I finally see the difference. 

A year ago tonight, I boarded a plane bound for China one woman, and through the grace of God, came home to become another. All because one little girl in a picture captured our hearts. Don't ever believe that God can't use you to change the world- he used Katie to change mine.