The Used to Be

Its been too long since I've last been here. Lots has gone on - We've been back from China, did a family trip to Yosemite, had several kids change schools and someone had a ruptured appendix! I will update later with all those details and some cute pictures! 

I have always used this space to not only share our family happenings, but to process some of the hard things we walk through. Today, we are beginning a walk we aren't crazy about as a family with a cancer diagnosis. 

A week ago Friday, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I have a 2 cm mass and one affected lymph node. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and 5-10 years of medication are in my future. And yes - I will be here in the future; the 5 year survival rate for cases like mine is 92-97% depending on who you ask :) 

I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am breathlessly waiting to see how God will use this hard to His glory - because that is who He is and what He always does. 

I also am grieving some things that I didn't expect to be grieving. 

I am grieving the loss of always "being the healthy" one in the family. All those prescriptions I pick up every month - they used to be for someone else.  The place on the form that asks "what medications are you taking" used to be left blank. The box asking "how's your health?' used to be checked excellent. I want to be the most healthy and I'm not anymore. 

I am grieving the loss of some people in my life. As I have shared the news of my diagnosis with people, some that I had hoped would come back to me have "left the conversation". My fully functional pre-frontal cortex knows that this is all about them (as ghosting always is) but my heart hurts. I miss them and I want a chance for reconciliation and to repair whatever wrongs they feel I inflicted.  

I am grieving for my kids, who have to process "mom has cancer". They have had so much loss in their lives; the thought of more sends them to the deep dark recesses and I am grieivng the loss of their saftey and security as they process this. They know in their heads I am going to be fine - their hearts are scared, and I grieve the loss of their security. 

But God.

God will not leave me in my grief. 

He offers me the space to grieve, and the hope to look forward - that ALL of this - all the loss will glorify and point to Him. The God that used to be is still the who is the I am. 

Stay tuned....God's greatest work is JUST beginning!