Warning - Construction Zone

I have very little tolerance for construction in my house - the mess and the noise and the chaos really messes with my sense of order - and really, really dysregulates my kids. However, sometimes  - a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. 

In this case - laundry. 

My awesome brother is gifted in the area of home "stuff" so he came and braved the chaos of his nieces to re-order my laundry room last week. 

As our construction began, progressed and finished, I couldn't help but think how a construction process is what we are involved in with healing our children from trauma. 

You start out with something that is functional - it works and meets the needs. Our laundry room was like this - we got lots of laundry done in it every weeks (we are talking 15-18 loads a week). Not pretty or fancy, but functional.

Our kids develop survival skills from their trauma - even the brains of babies as little as a few days or weeks old start to learn the rules of their world and how to adapt and cope. Not healthy or age appropriate but those skills serve them well in their trauma. 

After the process begins, you have to rip out the old - it's dusty and messy and actually non functional for a while. 

When our kids come into loving homes and healthy environments, it rips the foundation of what they know and can trust away - and for a while (sometimes a long while) they are non functional in the family. 

Pipes and inner workings are exposed - and sometimes (most times) you get a lot more "gunk" than you expected behind those walls 

Old hurts and wounds are revealed - we aoften have little idea of the depths of the horrors our children experienced. 

Pieces are out of place and unplugged. Its hard to walk and work in this environment

Our kids feel out of place and their brains don't function right - it's hard for them to work in their environment (can I get an AMEN to how homework might be the very best example of this!!) 

Then the pieces slide into place in the renovated space. They become more functional and more efficient  and better designed to meet the needs. The dust is vacuumed up and the old pieces are tossed away while the functional and critical components are put back to work more effectively. 

Slowly, our kids start to heal. Their brains learn to trust. The hurts are swept away and the tools are put back in their boxes. They can begin to really learn and grow in healthy ways.

What you don't see in this picture is the things that I wanted done but that time didn't allow - not critical things so they can wait. Or maybe not happen at all - we'll see how it goes. 

Our kids will never not carry the scars from their trauma - they may be able to function ok with them, or more work later might be needed. We'll see how it goes. 

Isn't this just like God working in our transformed lives? A life lived for Jesus and following Christ is a process of tearing out and rebuilding 

Warning - construction zone ahead. 

Worry - Part 2

I have many friends who aren't raising kids from trauma. Their babies have been birthed into the very best of circumstances and are deeply loved, secure in their place in their families and the world and have no trauma in their history.

Yet these women worry deeply about the behavior of their kids - I hear them utter the words "why does everyone else's kids behave and mine can't?" 

What are we moms really, deep down worried about?

On the outside, I am worried that my child may wind up.....(insert your biggest fear about your child's future here - irresponsible, single forever, kicked out of school, homeless, in jail, addicted...whatever). That's what I will tell you - that's is about them.

But I will venture to say that on the inside - we are really worried about what people will think about US as parents as they see our child's behavior. We are afraid they will judge us as irresponsible parents who can't control their children and whose children don't respect them.

That fear and worry then causes us to lose it with our kids - who then behavior worse.

And so on.

Momma's- I said it yesterday and I will say it today - your children's behavior is not a reflection of your parenting abillity. It's just not. That's not to say we don't influence our children or that our actions don't have impact - they absolutely do. But please momma friends - stop beating yourself up and worrying about your parenting abilities based upon the actions of your kids. And - pretty please - let's stop doing it to one another. 

We wonder why people can't see and believe the beauty of the Good News of Jesus - yet every day the world judges our heavenly Father on the behavior of His children (that would be those of us who profess to be Christians).

Lay aside your worry about the world judgement abouot your parenting abilities. You are doing great! 

Worry - Part 1

It's been a hard few weeks in my tribe of Warrior Moms. I hear fear and worry everywhere I turn - and those things are not of the Lord. Worry might be the biggest destroyer of motherhood ever. 

"How can I help my child heal and stay safe today?"

For a very long time - this was my morning prayer. Because it had to be. 

Because that above all else was my main job with my kids from hard places. 

Today, I was reminded how very powerful our fear of "what if...tomorrow" can become for us as parents - especially when parenting kids who are set up to fail because of their beginnings.

Today,  I spoke to a mom who was broken. Who loves her very broken kids so very deeply and desperately that she ignored her mother instinct and took bad advice from a professional and was suffering the consequence. She, through tears, admitted she is so fearful of what he will be in 10 years that she struggles to stay in "today". 

We all do. 

We live in a society that tells us if our kindergardeners forget their lunch box, they will grow up to be irresponsible employees that can't be trusted.

Our world tells us that kids who don't complete 20 minutes of homework every night in 1st grade will never make it into an Ivy league college. 

The church has us convinced that if our 4 year old (or 6 year old or 12 year old) doesn't obey our every command within nano seconds of it being issued, they will NEVER, EVER be able to follow the commands of Jesus. 

Worry is everywhere. 

Except in His Word. 

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,  yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 3These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

God's Word is exceedingly clear on worrying about tomorrow.  Just don't do it. 

I am not talking about instilling good habits or teaching appropriate behaviors or training up children in the way of the Lord or raising kids to eventually become responsible, productive adults. We need to do that - for everyone's sake.

But until our child begins the healing process from the hurts - until we break the chains that hold them down emotionally - we can't even begin to worry about tomorrow. 

We have thankfully and through His grace moved through the hardest of the healing journey. There are still days when healing is paramount - when end of the school year transitions trigger their fears of the unknown & unstructured time. On those days - we go back to the basics of "what does my child need from me today to heal and be dafe"?. 

On the other days - we work on respectful talking and responsibility and obedience. 

(And for kids who aren't from trauma - they will be ok too. They are little children - like we are within the Kingdom. They require the same grace from us that God gives to us! Stop worrying momma's - you are doing ok and your children are not a reflection about your parenting abilities! ) 

Warriors Moms.

It's been a long time since I have been in this space. I miss this space. I want to be back here, so here I am - finally with the words flowing again. Much has happened over the past six months, yet we are still in relatively the same space. That's sweet and sad all together in one, and more about that as I come back into this place. 

Today, though, a lesson on my tribe. 

They are warrior moms. 

Not super moms. Not perfect moms. Not pinterest moms. Definitely not Pinterest moms. 

Warrior moms. 

We are a different sort of tribe. 

We start out fighting for our children. Fighting finances to bring them home. Fighting mounds of paperwork that would make a sane person crazy but bring us a an odd sense of pleasure and completion. We fight government bureaucracies in crazed attempts to bring our children out of orphanages as quickly as possible. Fighting friends and families who "think we are crazy". 

We begin our relationship fighting for our children. 

We get them home, and we keep fighting. School systems and doctors offices and insurance companies. Antiquated parenting paradigms. Church structures that don't meet their needs.  We fight diagnosis' delivered in ignorance and an apathetic medical system that doesn't understand our complex kids. Social workers and systems that don't fight for the children. 

We mostly fight the demons that haunt them from their pasts and the scars that are etched on their hearts, minds and souls from abuse and neglect and worse. 

We fight. It's tiring to be in fight mode all the time. We don't have a choice. We have learned that to let our guard down for one second can send our children into regression - educationally, emotionally, physically. We are in Defcon 4 mode all the time - because we have to be. That's what trauma does. 

We fight our own demons that drive us into the dark with chocolate and a box of tissues where we cry it out, then emerge once again swinging. 

We fight for our kids. For our dreams of peaceful homes. For our dreams of healed and whole children. For marriages restored. For one night of uniterrupted sleep. 

We fight - and it is tiring and often unsuccessful. We are viewed as "that parent" at school - who always seems to be criticizing and complaining and arguing and who is "never happy". Our friends don't call or reach out, because we are always seemingly in the "middle of a fight/crisis". Our family thinks we just aren't trying hard enough. And our churches...well, they have lots of scripture and prayer but not much else. 

We fight for them - because no one else did when they should have. We fight for them because we don't know what else to do. We fight for them becuase their lives and our depend on it. We fight because we are fueled by Jesus to stand in the gap. 

To those who know a warrior mom, offer grace. and a hot meal. Let her know that you're in the battle with her - even if you have no idea what the battle is about. 

For my warrior mom tribe. I love how you shine Jesus. I love how you cry in the dark for your child and then emerge stronger. I wish those who don't understand could see you the way I see you - as the strongest, bravest women I know. I pray for your fight. I yearn for the day we are all on the other side of heaven and we can lay down our fight. 

We fight for them 

A Pause in the Tourist Life

I debated a lot about taking the girls to the 9/11 Memorial. We have shielded them from most of the horrors of our current world - the Orlando shooing, Sandy Hook, San Bernardino shootings. We don't watch the news and I work hard at sheltering them from the random acts of evil in the world. 

Eventually, they will learn of all this soon enough. However, with their backgrounds of hard reality, they just don't need anymore hard reality. Someday they will have to know, but for now, I want them to enjoy their childhoods free of the additional anxiety and worry about random evil. 

With that in mind, I had some reservations. However, the events of 9/11 are more than random acts of evil; it was an event that fundamentally changed the trajectory of our country. It is now a vital part of our country's history. It has personal significance to our family, and but for the grace of God, it could have made our family not ever be a family. 

So we went to the Memorial yesterday morning. I had last been to the site when it was still Ground Zero so I needed some closure as well. 

Because I knew what used to stand in those footprints and because I had been in the buildings that stood there on more than one occasion, it was odd and disconcerting to see the space. 

It was also peaceful and calming. 

We talked about the names inscribed on the walls surrounding both pools. How those names stood for families left forever changed by the acts of evil that happened that day. How the names represented children without a parent and parents without their child, and sisters without their brother and friends and neighbors longer friends or neighbors.  

The girls wondered about the names. We talked about the people on the planes, and about remains not found and still somewhere in the underground. We talked about the men who flew the planes and Islam and muslims - and how a small sect of people should not define all people. 

We talked about the bravery of the people of United flight 93 - who lived the verse "there is no greater love than one who lays down his life for another". 

I chose not to take them into the museum. There are many, many images there, some of them very disturbing. Cami and I were able to have a conversation about that (without Becky). The people that fell from the buildings that day. The families that posted notes begging for their missing family members to contact them. The first responders that went into the buildings that day as people were rushing out - and who never came out. 

I took no tourist photos of my children in front of the pools - it felt wrong to take a smiling selfie at the sight of a tomb for some. I did not want the significance of that place for my children to marred by the "its just another tourist site". This was not a tourist visit but a life moment for them and for me. 

The memorial stands as a touchpoint of history and loss and perseverance and fortitude and a country united. 

9/11/01

We will remember. 

A highlight day

Day 3 - we affectionately dubbed it "Museum Day" because that was what was on our agenda. We started at the American Museum of Natural History

There were some really cool things - but our favorite was the gem and mineral exhibits

We liked it - but to be honest, it didn't quite meet our expectations. We went to the planetarium show, where we got to listen to a thirty minute show about the validity of the big bang theory. At the end, Becky said to me "mom, all those people in there believed them when they said that we were created from nothing. That's so sad they might never know we were created by God." 

Yes. It's very sad.

We then headed out for a true New York culinary experience - the hot dog truck.   

 We  took our culinary treats over to THE park, found a bench and ate in true New Yorker style ....

then meandered through the park on our way to the East side. 

At the Rockettes show the night before, part of the show took place in Central Park at the Alice Statue. Out meandering brought us there by chance which was cool for the girls to see up close

Our meanderings finally brought us to our destination - The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Cami had been waiting for this all trip! 

We only had time to choose a few things to see. The girls first choice was, of course, the Chinese collections.  The meditation room was an unexpected bonus!  

The Egyptian art collection was the other section we had time for. Cami studied ancient world history this year, and she was able to identify a lot of the items and tell the story behind them. 

On the way out, we got to walk through (quickly) the medieval collections - creepy but awesome! 

I am convinced that Cami could have spent three or four days in the Met - no problem. She said it was tied for first place with the Rockettes for the best thing on the trip so far! 

We were absolutely exhausted when we were done, so we headed back to Chinatown (where our hotel is) for dinner. However , one is never too exhausted to walk a few blocks for an after dinner treat! (they indulged in the gelato...but I knew better and got the Italian cookies and cannoli! 

Friday will be our last morning in the city then it is up to the Hudson River Valley for the main event of the trip! 

Big Apple - Day 2

We had a busy 2nd day in New York. The red eye flight an the time change caught up with us all and we slept in (well, some of us slept in!!) 

Once we got up and going, we hopped the subway and headed to Midtown and the Empire State Building. 

It's a chore to get up there, but the views are totally worth the effort. The girls were impressed - for about 10 minutes then were ready to move on! 

One of the things the girls spotted from the top of the was the world's largest department store....so we had to make a trip there. 

I was super impressed with their reaction to the 10 floors of stuff - they were actually unimpressed and walked away wondering "why all this stuff" and "who would like that and buy it all?" We had a great opportunity to talk about how not to get sucked into the consumerism of the world.

It was a lesson further enhanced by a SUPER cool store that featured minerals...

some really, really big minerals!

The girls loved it - until they learned that the above mineral formation was for sale for $35,000. Becky just couldn't wrap her heads around the fact they were selling these and they weren't in a museum

then we had a typical New York tourist moment....the teenager was pretty over the pictures at this point! 

A quick  "fly by" to visit Patience and Fortitude.....

 

Then bak to the hotel for Hong Kong style ice cream....

with Auntie D!!!!! This might be the highlight of the trip for all of us. 

 The eating fest continued.....

The owner of this place was a kick - he was pure italian right down to the "fuggetaboutit" 

we got Auntie D on the subway (reluctantly) 

to our big night out to see the Rockettes! 

We really only had the resources for one "show" and since the girls get Broadway quality opportunities at home (not that we take them - but they are there!!) and the Rockettes have a summer show, that's what we decided to do.

It was totally the right choice - the girls LOVED it!! 

We also go the chance to meet a Rockette afterwards - which was totally cool! She asked me what my favorite thing about the show was....and it was easy to answer. I loved the best getting to share the experience with my girls! 

More eating - can not possibly come to New York City with our having at least one slice of Ray's. 

A walk through Times Sqare afterwards - the girls pretty much hated it They were totally unimpressed and absolutely did not get what all the fuss is about. I am so proud of them for that, 

It was an awesome day!