Yes. Come.

Yes. Come. 

Those were the words I texted back in response to this message last night: 

Hey my friend. I want you to be completely honest with me right now. Several of us want to come see you....we considered surprising you, but felt you'd want to know. We would stay at a hotel. We could watchkids for you and Doug to get away, we would clean, cook, whisk you away, whatever would be best....

These are friends that live far away. That have busy lives with high needs kids. This would be a sacrifice of their time and their money and a strain on their families. I factored all that in for a fraction of a second - then said:

Yes. Come. 

We need community. We need "in real life" people to come. We need to admit that this is not a weakness or a flaw or a personal failure but a God ordained and created need. It's time to stop subsituting activities and schedules and social media for relationships - not for our sake, but for our children's. 

When I told my 12 year old daughter these ladies were coming she said "but mom - they are making a big deal and it's hard on their families". Yes dear - both of those are true. Cancer is a big deal. Divorce is a big deal. Disappointment and death and hurt are BIG DEALS! Yes, this will be hard on their kids for the days they are gone. 

I got to sit with my girl and explain to her that God created us to be in community and that sometimes, showing up and sitting matters. More than anything we need to not be alone in our pain and hardship. We need to be modeling this for our children. We need to be pointing them to "IRL" relationships instead of screen connections that aren't real - and maybe even dangerous. 

Yes. Come. 

We also need to recgonize that when we sit with someone in pain, when we show up, we are literally being the hands and feet of Christ. Jesus showed up. We need to show up - not just for an hour, but for the "long haul" of addiction, of disease, of prodigal children, of families separated, of racial injustice. Of Brokeness. 

Yes. Go. 

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

Author unknown

Yes. GO! 

My Friend Jeff and Why I am not Afraid

One of the oddest things for me so far in this cancer journey is how not afraid I am. I am concerned for my family and my health, but I'm not scared. I'm joyful - and it's weird, but I understand it. Thanks to my friend Jeff. It’s incredibly fitting that two years ago todat we said honored him  - tomorrow is the day I start my chemo battle. 

Several years ago,  Jeff was diagnosed with cancer. I remember so vividly getting his phone call. I remember where I was on the freeway. I remember his voice so clearly. I remember my heart missing a beat when he told me. I mostly remember how positive he was, and how joyful he sounded. I didn't get it then. He lived in this world, but his eyes were firmly fixed on his eternity in Heaven. Joy. 

Jeff died December 28, 2017. I remember the last time I saw him, just hours before he passed. I went into the living room where hospice had just settled him into his bed. I leaned over, kissed his forehead, told him I loved him. The last words I said to him were "Tracy is going to be ok". Tracy - the love of his life. HIs entire world on this earth. I had spent the afternoon going through paperwork and finances (when I worked for Jefff that was my job) and I had been able to determine that indeed, she would be. His eyes opened, and he smiled as best he could. Three hours later, Tracy called and told me he was with Jesus.  

I get it. I understand why Jeff was joyful - because I am joyful. For me, because I know the end of the story of my life, cancer is just cancer. It might be gone in 6 months when I am done with treatment (it probably will!). But it also might be the transition point to my forever home. Jeff couldn't go home till he knew the love of his life would be ok. My family will be ok no matter what because God loves them infinitely more than I do and while I pride myself are being excellent at taking care of them - it pales in comparison to how our Heavenly Father takes care of us. 

Thank you Jeff for the best reminder and for being an amazing light and example. I miss you tremendously - we all do. See you someday (but not too soon if that’s ok!) 

Reflections

2019 is over. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a “clean break” between the old year and the new? Would it be something if we could leave behind all the junk of the last decade and only take the good into the new with us? The hype of the new year tells us this is what happens, but alas-it’s not true. 

2019 brought with it some pretty terrific things (so did the whole decade actually but that's novel material, not a blog post!) I want to bring all that goodness with me and hold it in my heart forever!

There was family....

 

....and firsts

  

 

..and travel with friends....

 

....graduations....

  

....and reunions.....

  

It also brought with it some hurts and disappointments, some changes, lots of loss and a cancer diagnosis.   

For all that I wish I could leave the bad and just take the good with us, the truth is that who we are is molded largely because of the hurts and suffering. Our biggest growth almost always comes from our biggest losses and hurts. For sure our walk toward being like Christ happens in those moments that bring us to our knees in hopeless and glorious surrender to Him. 

So bring on 2020-with it’s highs and lows. May it be the year that ends with the high of being cancer free and amazing growth and glorious surrender in that process. 

The Here and Now

Yesterday, I talked about what I was grieving - the loss associated with the cancer diagnosis. That's all done with. While there will, I am sure, be more losses to grieve and face, I am not looking back. I choose to only look forward and be in the Here and Now. And the Here and Now is prettty great. 

In the Here and Now, I get to watch God work. This short but powerful last two weeks has seen God show up in so many amazing ways....

• In the friend I asked to go with me to my first appointments - without knowing that her grandmother and mother are both breast cancer surviviors
• Having Katie's Sunday school teacher be the insurance coordinator for my new surgeon's office
• In the ruby red cozy sequined slippers that arrived minutes after the diagnosis erminding me that my sisters in Christ are WITH me
• In the package with the cozy scarf and beautiful worhsip CD that a "not in real life but in real heart" sent me  
• The people God has sent - each with their own unique story and gift - that He has woven together in my safety net. Some of these people I didn't even know before last week, some are casual FB friends, some are people I have known but didn't know all their story.   

The Here and Now is filled with God's beauty and wonder and glory and grace and mercy. Don't miss it! 

The Used to Be

Its been too long since I've last been here. Lots has gone on - We've been back from China, did a family trip to Yosemite, had several kids change schools and someone had a ruptured appendix! I will update later with all those details and some cute pictures! 

I have always used this space to not only share our family happenings, but to process some of the hard things we walk through. Today, we are beginning a walk we aren't crazy about as a family with a cancer diagnosis. 

A week ago Friday, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I have a 2 cm mass and one affected lymph node. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and 5-10 years of medication are in my future. And yes - I will be here in the future; the 5 year survival rate for cases like mine is 92-97% depending on who you ask :) 

I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am breathlessly waiting to see how God will use this hard to His glory - because that is who He is and what He always does. 

I also am grieving some things that I didn't expect to be grieving. 

I am grieving the loss of always "being the healthy" one in the family. All those prescriptions I pick up every month - they used to be for someone else.  The place on the form that asks "what medications are you taking" used to be left blank. The box asking "how's your health?' used to be checked excellent. I want to be the most healthy and I'm not anymore. 

I am grieving the loss of some people in my life. As I have shared the news of my diagnosis with people, some that I had hoped would come back to me have "left the conversation". My fully functional pre-frontal cortex knows that this is all about them (as ghosting always is) but my heart hurts. I miss them and I want a chance for reconciliation and to repair whatever wrongs they feel I inflicted.  

I am grieving for my kids, who have to process "mom has cancer". They have had so much loss in their lives; the thought of more sends them to the deep dark recesses and I am grieivng the loss of their saftey and security as they process this. They know in their heads I am going to be fine - their hearts are scared, and I grieve the loss of their security. 

But God.

God will not leave me in my grief. 

He offers me the space to grieve, and the hope to look forward - that ALL of this - all the loss will glorify and point to Him. The God that used to be is still the who is the I am. 

Stay tuned....God's greatest work is JUST beginning!

Family...continued.....

This part of the China trip was solely about family - very little sightseeing or "tourist" worthy places/things to do. 

Tuesday, we went back to Becky's orphanage - or the new place that is the orphanage of the same name. She didn't get to see the place she lived for 14 months - it's gone, an the welfare institute is in temporary quarters while they find a permanent home. I felt a little disappointed for her - and I know she was as well. The woman who took us around did remember her though - and that was beginning of the greatness of the day. 

This little one was part of the joy - what a smile! She has a VSD - but one look at her told us she has Williams Syndrome - just like Julie. She was adorable - and Becky wanted to take her home....

This director was at the orphanage when Becky was there. 

This young lady was also there when Becky was there - and has an apartment there now. She makes these cool items and sells them. 

Becky's orphanage is now a Half the Sky program - and it has fundamentally changed since she was there; it's so good to see and was healing for me. 

Her hometown is known for dried mandarin products; we had tea. 

After a very full day, a walk about at the mall. The day was made so full because between the orphanage visit and the evening stroll, we were able to locate Becky's birth parents and meet them. In a totally God orchestrated chain of events laid out 4 years ago when we started the search, our searcher got a call, and we traveled about 2 hours after lunch to meet her birth family. Becky has chosen to keep the photos and details private for now - but GOD!!!! 

On Wednesday, we went back to visit Cami's foster family at the home village. What a homecoming it was

Her foster grandma was SO happy to see her. When Cami was in foster care, they would spend holiday's at the village and some weekend - and the love these grandparents have for her was evident. 

It was awesome to see a small, traditional Chinese village 

They look like they fit right in - the picture doesn't show how incredibly HOT it was there. 

The fruit - was AMAZING! 

And BIG - this might be the biggest papaya I have ever seen 

As sweet as the reunion was, the goodbye was hard 

Grandma didn't want to let go...

It was three days of foundational family; it soothed souls and warmed hearts and helped heal - well worth the bug bites, 98% humidity and 100 degree temps and hours in the car. Money can't buy the healing that happened over these three days.